Personal ads explained

How honest are people likely to be in describing themselves or what they seek? This is a compilation of possible interpretations of the most commonly used words and phrases in the Lonely Hearts columns, in the UK.

AFFECTIONATE LADY SOUGHTSchoolboy seeks filthy-minded older woman with gigantic tits.
ARTISTLikes to decorate the Christmas tree, or: broke, smokes a lot of dope and talks nonsense about Esixentialist Espressionism.
BEAUTIFULHer mother used to tell her that she was a beautiful little girl. That was 45 years ago.
BISEXUAL GIRLS SOUGHTDirty old man wants to watch lesbians in action.
BONDING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHTBonding is the key word. Expect handcuffs and leather implements.
BUSINESSMANOld, divorced, fat. Sells fake furs in flea markets.
BUXOMExceptionally so. Sagging, too.
CARING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHTSponging, 100% supportive relationship sought.
CAR-OWNINGOwns a 1958 Morris Minor.
CINDERELLA SEEKS PRINCE CHARMINGMousy dishwasher seeks a man, any man.
CIVIL ENGINEERPlays with Meccano.
COLOUR IMMATERIALSexy black girl sought.
COLOUR AND APPEARANCE IMMATERIALSexy black girl with stupendous backside sought.
COMMITTEDPossessive. Control Freak.
COMPANY DIRECTOR, JAGUAR, YACHT, PENTHOUSE, ETC.If normal, does not need to advertise. Expect: illegal perversions, 3ft 6ins tall, Nazi war criminal, etc.
COMPUTERS, INTERESTED INPeople, NOT interested in.
COUNTRY COTTAGERun-down hovel without main facilities, miles from anywhere. Wants cook and housekeeper, without having to pay for it.
CREATIVEOnce went to pottery evening classes.
CUDDLYMan: bearded, drinks prodigious quantities of real ale.Woman: has six children – breast-feeds them in restaurants.
DEEP RELATIONSHIPInsert throat in above sentence, for more accurate meaning.
DINING, INTERESTED INMan: makes obscene passes at mealtable, gets paralytically drunk, throws up in partners lap.Woman: see Large.
DIVORCEDSeparated, and going through a very messy divorce.
DRIVES PORSCHEGarage mechanic. Swipes Porsche when the boss is away.
ECCENTRICExtraordinarily weird. Possibly homicidal.
EYES, BEAUTIFULRemainder, vile.
FAMILY MANDiscreet affair sought.
FILMS, INTERESTED INTalks about some obscure Albanian movies made in the 50s. Can talk a whole evening about the Introverted Seminal Hermetism of Goddards films. Refuses to see Jurassic Park on grounds that it is trivial.
FOREIGN GENTLEMAN SEEKS PERMANENT RELATIONSHIPIllegal immigrant; would marry anybody to secure permanent residence in the UK/EU.
FREAKYCertifiably insane.
FREE ROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISE, EXOTIC HOLIDAYS OFFEREDNasty little squirt who can get a woman, only by paying for her.
GAYSo incredibly camp that the most outrageous drag Queen would be embarrassed to be seen with him. Makes Quentin Crisp look like Mel Gibson (though, come to think of it …)
GOOD LIFEDirty weekends, high-stake gambling, general debauchery, group sex, young girls. (i.e., good life)
GOOD NATUREDCan be taken advantage of, but whines a lot if you do.
GORGEOUSDaffy ex-showgirl who was gorgeous about 40 years ago.
GRADUATEDiploma in plumbing from an un-heard of technical school.
GREGARIOUSInto group sex and/or gang-bangs.
HAIRYMan: has more hair than a gorilla.Woman: undergoing spontaneous sex change
HANDSOMEHandsome, but freaks out if you spill wine on his trousers. Looks over your shoulder, into a mirror, when he talks to you. Checks his reflection in shop windows.
HEAVY ROCK, INTODeaf. Stoned. Both.
HOMELOVINGWoman: compulsive cleaner; freaks out if you spill a drop of wine on her table cloth.Man: likes to stay home with a six-pack and a large bag of Doritos, watching soccer on TV. Slob.
HORROR MOVIES AND BOOKS, INTOWears a black cape and sleeps in a coffin. If you accept a date, wear a garlic necklace.
HUMOROUSManiacally so; knows Monty Python parrot sketch by heart and repeats it over and over, laughing to himself.
INTELLECTUALBrooding. Talk non-stop about obscure Peruvian philosophers, Leibniz monads, Gestalt. A complete bore.
INTERACTS WITH MOVIE STARSWorks as a waiter in a bar patronized by out-of-work actors.
INTERIOR DECORATOR, SUCCESSFULGay and rich. (What more do you want?)
JOGGING, RUNNING, ETC.Talks incessantly about cartilage trouble, Achilles tendons, running shoes; permanently exhausted. Do not expect sexual activity.
LARGEUnbelievably overweight.Man: great mounds of flesh spilling out of clothes. Sweats profusely.Woman: wears bell tents; has double chin that looks like Elizabethan ruff.
LATE FORTIESReceiving old-age pension
LONELYHas habits so awful that cannot be legally described in an ad; deserves to be lonely.
LOOKING FOR MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPLooking for father/mother for five quite appalling kids.
LOVES ANIMALS… more than people; has fifteen cats.
LOVES CHILDRENPaedophile.In more than one way: roasted, fried, barbecued, en cocotte, a la mode du chef …, ok, just kidding
MOTORCYCLES, INTOHells Angel. Leather, studs, chains, into.
MUCH-TRAVELLEDLong-distance lorry driver; if genuine airline pilot, has tertiary syphilis.
MUSIC, INTERESTED INHas a $ 5,000 quadriphonic set-up that kill at a mile range.Owns a cheap Woolworths Hi-Fi and a couple of ABBA LPs.Plays the ocarina. Badly.
NATURE, BIRD WATCHING, INTOPeeping Tom.If genuine: be prepared to wake up at 3:00 AM in the middle of Winter and slog for three hours in a marsh, to watch the mating dance of the Scottish Heron.
NON-EFFEMINATE GAYTattooed, six-day beard growth, big muscles, army boots and combat jacket (chancy, if female).
NON-SCENE GAYHad a very nasty experience with huge sailor.
NON-SMOKERSmoker, trying to quit. Has fits and tantrums as a result of nicotine withdrawal.
PLUMPFemale version of the Michelin Man.
POLITICALLY CONSERVATIVEWears swastika armbands, jackboots and an SS cap. Sings banned nazi songs in pubs and gets usually beaten to a pulp by the other patrons.
PRESENTABLEOwns a polyester suit.
PROFESSIONALPlumber. If genuine Doctor, Attorney, Architect, etc., has unspeakable sexual deviations.
PUBS, INTOMan: alcoholic; talks incessantly about soccer and cars.Woman: Outmoded dollybird.
QUIETIncredibly dull.
RADICALOn probation for assaulting a cop during a demo.
RANDYSuffers from premature ejaculation; treats women as objects (and objects as women).
RITZY, CHIC, ETC.Transvestite. Co-ordinates well, though.
ROMANTICWoman: Pre-Raphaelite type; totally spaced out.Man: behaves like bloody fool; quotes Keats.
SCIENCE-FICTION FANSays things like phasers activated when switching on the headlights of his car, ET phone home before making a phone call and may the force be with you to total strangers. An embarrassment and a bore.If the genuine article; watch out for little tell-tale signs, like the gray skin and the large black eyes. Usually, a date turns into an abduction
SEEKS GIRL/GUY (No specific details)Not fussy, as long as it screws.
SEEKS SIMILARUtterly narcissistic.
SELF-CONTAINEDComplete introvert. Hermit.
SENSITIVEWoman: highly strung; cries a lot; has five nervous breakdowns a year.Man:Poovy; permanently under therapy.Gay.
SHARING RELATIONSHIPYou give, he/she takes.Screwing relationship.
SINCEREPromiscuous and lying.Clings like a leech; Impossible to get rid of.
SLIMMan: gangling, round-shouldered, 6ft 6ins.Woman: terminal anorexia case.
SMOKERFive packs a day. If you go into his/her apartment, wear a gas mask.
SOLICITORArticled clerk in Solicitors office.
SOLVENTHas a Woolworths credit card.
SPARKLING PERSONALITYHigh as a kite on something or other; hellish bore.
SPACE, NEEDSWants to conduct seven affairs simultaneously, without interference.
SPONTANEOUSErratic, unpredictable (as in spontaneous combustion).
SPORTS, INTERESTED INDarts, snooker, pinball, video games.
STRAIGHTCloset gay.
TALLMan: exceptionally tall (over 7ft) and playing it down.Woman: resembles stick insect.
TEACHERBroke and scruffy.
TEMPERAMENTALHas bouts of uncontrollable violence.
TRAVELLING, KEEN ONMassive rent arrears.
TRENDYRidiculous; goes to formal occasions wearing purple leotards and yellow plastic shoes.
UNDERSTANDINGReal live saint sought by loser with extraordinary number of problems.
VIRILELike randy, but stronger. Has punctured his inflatable doll a number of times.
VIVACIOUSFreaky. Talks about herself non-stop in a shrilly voice.
WARMOverpowering personality. Control freak.
WORLDLYTravelling salesman.
YOUNG(Seeking) Middle aged man after nymphet. Older woman after young stud. (Describing self as) See Youthful.
YOUTHFULOld, but pathetically infantile.
ZANYEscapee from mental institution.

Thats the end, I suppose. Ah, yes: ads in French, or containing extensive references to star signs, or quotes from Shakespeares sonnets, should be handled with extreme caution.

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