10
May

Programming Languages Are Like Women

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you.
On the other hand, most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here
is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes
what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.
Assembler: A female track star who holds
all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is
not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but
needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or
educated, and speaks in monosyllables like MOV, JUMP, INC. She
has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last
resort.
FORTRAN: Your grey-haired grandmother. People make
fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen,
you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime
she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine
libraries) that no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still
around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start
yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made
grandad search for another wife.
COBOL: A plump secretary. She talks far too much,
and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours,
but cant handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and
unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can
cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.
BASIC: The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her
specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily
available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least
they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that
young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always
remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but
largely irrelevant, its the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion
that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers
actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally
the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men
by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.
PL/I: A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses,
diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very
attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.
C: A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy,
and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless
you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her
fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young
and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine
young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60: Your fathers wartime sweetheart, petite,
well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously
during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their
steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking.
Pascal: A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60s
younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very
bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than
one pot (module).
Modula II: A high-school teacher and Pascals
daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook
with more than one pot.
ALGOL 68: Algol 60s niece. A high-society woman,
well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she
talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality.
She is very choosy about her romances and wont take just any man as her
lover. She hasnt been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a
fall from an ivory tower.
LISP: She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural
commune with her hippie cousins
SMALLTALK and FORTH: Many men
(mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse enthusiastically
praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there.
Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures
(prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs,
when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but
usually not for their efficiency.
APL: A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She
can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of
people at each table. She doesnt talk much, as that would just slow her
work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a
foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.
LOGO: A grade-school art teacher. She is just the
kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is
shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can
cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.
LUCID and PROLOG: These clever
teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals
without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the
desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and
have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very
slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long
as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be
like when they are fully mature.
Ada: A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is
always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her
temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and
using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army
says so.

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