In various world religions

Protestantism
If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Catholicism
If shit happens, you deserved it.

You were born shit, you are shit, and youll die shit.

Lutheranism
Shit happens, but as long as youre sorry, its OK.

Judaism
Why does shit always happen to US?

Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Islam
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

We dont take any shit.

Buddhism
If shit happens, it isnt really shit.

If shit happens, it isnt really happening TO anyone.

Shit will happen again to you next time.

Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

Joke found on http://www.avaruusmies.com