12
Feb

The College Food Chain

THE DEAN





Leaps tall buildings in a single bound



Is more powerful than a locomotive



Is faster than a speeding bullet



Walks on water



Gives policy to God





THE DEPARTMENT HEAD



Leaps short buildings in a single bound



Is more powerful than a switch engine



Is just as fast as a speeding bullet



Talks with God





PROFESSOR



Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds



Is almost as powerful a switch engine



Is faster than a speeding BB



Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool



Talks with God if a special request is honored





ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR



Barely clears a quonset hut



Loses tug of war with a locomotive



Can fire a speeding bullet



Swims well



Is occasionally addressed by God





ASSISTANT PROFESSOR



Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings



Is run over by locomotives



Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury



Treads water



Talks to animals





INSTRUCTOR



Climbs walls continually



Rides the rails



Plays russian roulette



Walks on thin ice



Prays a lot





GRADUATE STUDENT



Runs into buildings



Recognizes locomotives two out of three times



Is not issued ammunition



Can stay afloat with a life jacket



Talks to walls





UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT



Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings



Says Look at the choo-choo



Wets himself with a water pistol



Plays in mud puddles



Mumbles to himself

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