15
Sep

The Warning Signs of Insanity

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you
hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you
wouldnt expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you
mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil
dandruff spirits.
Youre always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting
fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
You laugh out loud during funerals.
When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out RAPE! RAPE!
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they cant understand you through
that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass youve stepped on
as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you dont exist, just to play along with your little
illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Everytime the phone rings, you shout, Hey! An angel just got its wings!
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You scream Ive got a knife! to people who try to sell you things.
You scream Ive got a knife! to people at your family reunion.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligans Island, because they
werent rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if theyll hatch.
Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it,
and you tell him its for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell
him, because the napkins have ears.
You tend to agree with everything your mothers dead uncle tells you.
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to
yourself, I think Ill kill the pope today.
You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a
few minutes.
Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
Nearly everything you say involves the word, P-toing!
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to
be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend
that youre a stalk.
You think that exploding wouldnt be so bad, once you got used to it.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (Cough.)
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation
of your rights as a boysenberry.
You like reading lists like this. 🙂

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