Waitpersons from hell

You know them… those waiters/waitresses who turn obsequiousness into
a weapon, whose solicitous inquiries are perfectly timed to destroy
your jokes and intimate moments… something like this:

YOU: … so, finally, the third farmer turns to the bartender and
says, Hey, thats not a duck, thats—

[Waiter appears out of nowhere]

WAITER: How is everything? [beams smugly]

YOU: Fine. So he says, Hey, thats not a duck, thats a—

WAITER: Can I get you anything else to drink? [All the glasses are full]

YOU: No, no. Anyway, Thats not a duck, thats a—

WAITER: [to your companion] And for you, madam?

HER: Hmm? Oh, let me see…

[You give up; the waiter returns to the kitchen triumphantly]


YOU: … and the doctor looked at the X-ray yesterday and told me
that if I didnt have the operation, eventually it would
get so big that theyd have to cut off my—

[Waiter materializes from thin air, bends over the table to refill
the water glasses, coming in between you and her.]

WAITER: Go ahead, dont let me interrupt you.

[You pointedly ignore the waiter, drumming your fingers on the table top.]

HER: Well, go on, what was it they would have to cut off?

[You stare helplessly at her while the waiter refills the salt and
pepper shakers at your table.]

HER: Come on, arent you going to tell me?

[The waiter finishes with the condiments and moves away.]

YOU: [recovering your composure and remembering the gravity of the moment]
Well, its no big deal, they just may have to remove my—

WAITER: [turning back in a lightning maneuver] Excuse me, I nearly forgot
the tabasco sauce, here you are.

Another victory. Later…

YOU: [looking around to make sure the waiter is nowhere in sight] … and
I just wanted to tell you, every time Im with you I feel like
the world is new, and my heart fills up with—

[A dessert tray appears by the table, the waiter sprinting to get it there
in time.]

WAITER: Some dessert? We have plain cheesecake, chocolate cheesecake,
chocolate chip cheesecake, chocolate fudge cheesecake, dutch
chocolate cheesecake—

YOU: NOT NOW! [Attempt to get back into romantic mood, ignoring waiter]
My heart just fills up with—

WAITER: Okay, Ill come back later. Can I bring you some coffee while
youre making up your mind?

YOU: [trying to drown him out] MY HEART JUST FILLS UP WITH—

HER: Did you say bittersweet chocolate cheesecake?

WAITER: Ill see if we have any left.

[Game, set, and match]

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