Your best friend is a raccoon
Your shotgun is named after your girlfriend
You have the same number of teeth as you have fingers
You’ve ever killed someone over a kick me sign
You’ve ever searched for gold in your dead grandpa’s chest and had your fingers taken off by the booby trap within
You’ve won money off of your dead grandpa by playing poker with him
You’ve ever had to towel dry after a fart
You have a glass eye collection
Your pet groundhog has ever bitten more than one of your thumbs off
One wall of your home is a tarp
You’ve shaved off your eyebrows and taped them to a little kids back
You’ve ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer
You’ve ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs
You use a handful of creek mud as birth control
You’ve ever held a lifelong grudge over a spelling bee
You’ve ever gotten a concussion reading the newspaper
You’ve ever dislodged a sunflower seed from the corner of your eye
You cover your kids with lampshades every time the social service people come around
You’ve ever carved a gunstock out of a bedpost
You’ve ever had to wipe your butt with a shower curtain
You’ve ever put a living animal in an envelope
On the picture of your family tree, there are utility workers cutting the branches off
You think Papsmear is when your daddy got run over down at work
You’ve ever spit chawbacker in a county commissioner’s eye
Everyone in your family has one-syllable names
You named your favorite GI-Joe Billy Ray Cyrus
You’ve ever shot a boy scout in the chest with a beebee gun
You’ve ever mowed your lawn with a skill saw
You were conceived on the Tilt-A-Whirl
You have to take medicine for your plumber’s crack
You’ve ever broken a pair of toenail clippers
You know what your little girl’s farts smell like
Your brother died in a deer stand-making contest
You’ve ever shot a hot air balloon out of the sky
You have a body part that is a tourist attraction
You’ve ever taken out a mortgage on an RV
You’ve ever lost money in a bet involving a ceiling fan
You’ve ever broken a piano teacher’s arms
You’ve ever deep-fried a frozen dinner
Your pet goat died and you breastfed its orphans
You’ve ever broken a bone while stopping a metronome
Your job is a redneck joke maker
You’ve ever eaten anything out a vacuum bag
You’ve ever cooked Thanksgiving Dinner in an Easy-Bake Oven
You’ve ever had a light switch embedded in your forehead
You’ve ever done a back flip off of a 60-foot bridge
Every picture in your house has PROOF written on it
Your wallpaper is insulation and 2×4’s
You’ve ever made out with your girlfriend in a deer bed
You’ve ever won a trophy with someone else’s name on it
You’ve ever tried to get a date with a telemarketer
You’ve ever broken into your little girl’s piggy bank with explosives
You’ve ever used a kidney stone as a Monopoly piece
You’ve ever gone fishing with a sawed-off shotgun
You’ve ever dropped a beagle down a well to see how deep it is
You’ve ever given a Happy Meal toy as a Christmas present
You’ve ever gone to jail for being ugly
You’ve ever corrected your child with a beer can
You’ve ever drove a 4-wheeler through Wal-Mart
You’ve ever held a footrace in your bass boat
You know someone who died in an apple bobbin’ contest
You’ve ever done a cannonball into the live well of your bass boat
You’ve ever found something useful in a roll of fat
You’ve ever trampled a four year old while on a fast break
You lost your virginity on a layaway counter
You’ve ever stolen a pinball machine
You’ve ever been convicted of involuntary manslaughter in conjunction with an air hockey game
You tape A Christmas Story every year
You pull for the bad guys on COPS
Your momma birthed you and your cousin out at the same time
You’ve ever used an umbilical cord in a game of pin the tail on the donkey when you still had several other options to consider
You’ve ever killed a baby calf with a jackhammer
You’ve ever spent a fortnight in a mineshaft
You’ve ever had a family member entered in the county fair
You own a collectible card with monkeys having sex on it
You’ve ever jumped rope with a catheter
You use your dead dog’s carcass as a GI Joe training camp
You’ve ever delivered a baby with grill utensils
You’ve ever buried your life savings in the snow
Your role model is plastic
You got put in jail because of your first kiss
You’ve ever slicked your hair back with fish guts
You’ve ever bullwhipped the panda bears at the zoo
You’ve ever hand dug a hole and slept in it
You’ve ever slept with a hoe
You’ve ever eaten motor oil on pancakes
You’ve ever purchased a breath mint endorsed by a pro wrestler
You’ve ever worn a mousetrap in your hair
You think Ronald Reagan invented oregano
You’ve ever shared the bathtub with your carburetor
You’ve ever decapitated someone on a ride at the county fair
You’ve ever been convicted of capital murder in a bumper car incident
You’ve ever paid 28 dollars to skip in line for the bumper cars
You’ve ever been so desperate for money that you actually sowed an entire acre of nickels
You’ve ever signed a check with a blackhead
You’ve ever put a coupon for Shake N’ Bake in the offertory plate
You’ve ever done mouth to mouth on a hound dog
You think cottage cheese is when you farted at the Abe Lincoln birthplace
You punish your kids with Rubix cubes
You’ve ever swam a local lake looking for Gilligan’s Island
You’ve never seen a road sign while sober
You’ve ever wiped your butt with a Tonka truck
Your bed sheet is banned from flying over the state capitol
You’ve ever played a prank using real diarrhea
You think Bangladesh is a porn star
You’ve ever cured cancer with peroxide
You’ve ever washed your kids in a water fountain
You’ve ever given road kill as a wedding present
You’ve ever been in a documentary about The Great Depression
You’ve ever shot at the Cheerios honeybee on TV
You’ve ever fixed a transmission with pipe cleaner
You’ve ever flown a kite in church
You’ve ever put someone’s eye out with a ginger snap
You ever bobbed for apples in the wake of a boat
You’ve ever mad-dogged a glass of sweet tea
You’ve ever tried to pet a killer bee
You’ve ever maced a litter of kittens
Your momma’s hair color is sponge cake
You haven’t talked to your father in 20 years because of a snowball fight
You really believe you’re related to Texas Pete
You use earwax as C4 in GI Joe war games
You use electrical tape as eyeliner
Your idea of success is two raccoons in one night
You’ve ever turned a corner in your life because of an infomercial
You’ve ever looked at the ground and found a job
You’ve ever gotten red in the face laughing at an oil spill
You use your birthmark to pick up women
You’ve ever found your way back home using your momma’s varicose vein road map
You think Allegra will grow a leg back
You’ve ever spent your birthday at the Laundromat
You’ve ever had someone wipe his or her feet on you
Denture Bond is all that holds your dining room table together
You’ve ever tipped the pizza boy with game room tokens
You can wipe yourself with your mullet and do so
You punish your kids with hours in the tanning bed
You’ve ever salted your toothpaste
Your wife’s water broke and your brother tried to drink it
You’ve ever had an aneurysm trying to interpret a stain glass window
You’ve ever punched a proctologist to death because you didn’t know what he was before you went to him
You’ve ever had a head on while swerving out of the way of a black cat
You’ve ever breastfed a stray animal
You’ve ever been kicked out of a religion you weren’t a part of
Your pillow has ever crawled out from under you
Your ponytail has ever gotten caught in a ceiling fan
You’ve tried to use DECON to get rid of your rat tail
You’ve ever fallen asleep on a conveyor belt
You’ve ever pawned your birth certificate
You’ve ever broken your wrist trying to break off the long end of a wishbone
You’ve ever busted your teeth out with a Skip-It
You’ve ever given someone a piggyback ride to the hospital
You’ve ever gone door to door looking for work as a pallbearer
You’ve ever drawn areolas around your grandfather’s nipples while he was sleeping
You’ve ever fried an egg on a radiator
You’ve ever run a school bus off of an overpass
You’ve ever made a sport out of throwing live animals at cars
You have to wipe your feet before you leave your house
Your momma’s belt buckle says Hetero-Pride
You have a wooden kneecap
You’ve ever used a casket in a sporting event
Your bologna has a first name, it’s B-L-O-W-F-L-Y
You’ve ever sucker punched a little girl because of her hopscotch rhyme
A hurricane came to town and your trick forecasting knee exploded
Your idea of a pregnancy test is to eliminate all chance
Your significant other is a bed sheet
You’ve ever recorded your child’s birth on a Yak Bak
You’ve ever made someone a road map on a Lite Brite
You’ve ever had a swear word shaved in your armpit
You’ve ever used bread bags as shoes
You’ve ever used a wicker basket to hold up your car while changing a tire
You’ve ever stood in a corner so long that the Dunce Cap has become infused with your skin
Your wife uses gunpowder as eye shadow
You’ve ever won the lottery and asked to be paid in lottery tickets
You’ve ever used chest hair as kindling
You’ve ever drank tequila out of a top hat
You’ve ever been fascinated by a clothes hamper
You’ve ever made a necktie out of shotgun shell plastic
You were a pallbearer for Colonel Sanders
You’ve ever lost your index finger in a hoedown
Your wardrobe revolves around your teeth color
You’ve ever spent 20 to life because of a spin the bottle game
You’ve ever licked the freezer burn off of the unwrapped hindquarter of a deer due to a game of truth or dare
You’re stuck in a rut that has drawn media coverage
You’ve ever had your Christmas stocking filled with creek water
You’ve ever changed your baby’s diaper and powdered its butt with coffee creamer
You found your soul mate in the glare of a placemat
You’ve ever sunbathed on a merry-go-round
You’ve ever wrote a note to your wife on the fridge in maple syrup
You proposed to your wife on the Jack Daniels factory tour
You name your kids after salad dressings
Your last name is something that is contained in a toolbox
You’ve ever legally changed your first name to your CB handle
You’ve ever made night crawler jerky
You’ve ever wrapped a Christmas present in tobacco leaves
You’ve ever hidden an Easter egg in facial hair
You’ve ever played a game of street hockey with a dead squirrel
You’ve ever made a career decision on an 8 ball
Your wife has ever given birth by mistake in a Port-A-John
You’ve ever left a wooden nickel as a tip at a restaurant
You’ve ever given a friendship bracelet to a pine tree
You go to a church that plays Dueling Banjos during offertory
You think you have a legitimate chance of scoring with a cartoon character
You’ve ever found sustenance on a bar stool
You tell time based on when your dog has to go
You’ve ever gotten drunk in a closet on a mild summer day
You’ve ever yawned and burst someone’s ear drums
You’ve ever been the sole cause for a mosh pit to disperse
You’ve ever bought two animal crackers that look like they’re having sex
You’ve ever dislocated your jaw replacing a fire alarm battery
Your autobiography can be written on a bar napkin
You’ve ever patched a hole in the wall with salt-water taffy
Your wedding dress was actually a pee stained bed sheet
You’ve ever pulled a hamstring in a game of musical deer stands
You’ve ever totaled your car in an abandoned parking lot
You’ve ever freshened your breath with Lysol
You’ve ever used hairspray as deodorant
You’ve ever engaged in foreplay on a bulldozer
You enjoy watching stray dogs have intercourse
You’ve ever made chili so hot that you could see the fabric of time
You’ve ever gone into a china shop and come out with the deed
You’ve ever dipped cheese in beer for a midnight snack
You’ve ever been so dumbfounded by a magic trick that you quit your job to figure it out
You’ve ever watered your lawn with your radiator leak
You’ve ever written in a buddy on the Presidential ballot
You heat your trailer with incense
You’ve ever shot skeet while going down the highway
You’ve ever grown a beard during a game of hide-and-go-seek
You live in a county where a woman was put to death because no one could figure out how she got that little wooden boat in that bottle
You’ve ever put a hound dog up in the freezer on the hope that you could get it cloned some day
You got on TV because you can play the banjo with a weed eater
You’ve ever lost a loved one during a game of Foosball
You own a pinball machine rather than a car
You’ve ever fallen asleep in overalls that were still hanging on the clothesline
You have an ecosystem under your toenail
You’ve ever popped a zit and couldn’t see to drive
You’ve ever held a barn dance that registered on the Richter scale
You’ve ever ate the sandwich out of an evidence bag
You’ve ever held a lawnmower for ransom
You’ve ever chipped a tooth while eating yogurt
You’ve ever tried to bribe a state trooper with a free 20 ounce Pepsi cap
You bought pantyhose from a convenience store to cover your face just before you robbed it
You’ve ever used a urinal cake as soap in the shower
You have a conspiracy theory about wind chimes
You own a CD that’s called “Belching Beethoven”
You’ve ever driven over 3000 miles to buy an “I Love NY” bumper sticker
You drink a shot of whiskey every time that you dot an I
You’ve ever gotten seasick watching a screensaver
You’ve ever taken your dog for a walk in a burlap sack slung over your shoulder
You’ve ever smiled at someone and had a tooth fall out
You’ve ever shaved with a cheese grater
You’ve ever had a relationship with a girl until she shut the blinds
Your high school mascot was a dead janitor
You’ve ever made a potato gun that violates an ICBM treaty
Your mouse pad is your 4 year old standing completely still with his knees locked
You’ve ever gone skiing and had to be revived three separate times
You’ve ever had a fist fight with the man in the moon
You use the same thermometer to check your turkey and your baby
You’ve ever had to get drunk to pass a Breathalyzer
You have to say your ABC’s every time you start your car
You’ve ever tried to enlist at Old Navy
You’ve ever eaten a scoop of ice cream after dropping it in the cat litter
You’ve ever drawn a road map on a piece of bread
You’ve ever had to weed your dental work
You have permanent wild onion breath because of your diet
You got your name put in the local paper because of your subwoofer
You’ve ever followed a grocery bag caught in an updraft back home
You’ve ever been so drunk you tried to pick up a girl on TV
You’ve ever ate a blowpop just so you could swallow the gum
You’ve ever tried to write your chickens down as dependents
Your AIM screen name is beltbucklewifebeater69
You’ve ever looked up Jabba The Hutt in the back of a history book
You’ve ever gone to a job interview in an airbrushed T-shirt
You’ve ever covered up a black eye with a peach colored crayon
You’ve ever found a match for your kidney, but had to play that person a hand of 5-card draw for it
You’ve ever given 5 to 1 odds on the results of an ultrasound
You’ve ever thrown horseshoes back and forth at your cars’ hood ornaments
The only thing you could think or talk about on 9-11 was that wheat penny you found in your granddaddy’s overalls
You’ve ever dug up a grave when you needed new church clothes
You carpet pattern is raccoon feces
You’ve ever had your belt buckle pierced
You’ve ever followed a little league umpire home
You think the lower 48 stands for you and the other 47 people in your tax bracket
The color of your refrigerator is hidden by banana stickers
Your kid’s science fair project is on spaying cats with a 4-iron
You’ve ever chipped a tooth attempting to catch the garter at a wedding
You’ve ever poured antifreeze in your neighbor’s well simply because their grill is newer than yours
You’ve ever tried to beat a strobe light back into line
You are doing life without parole because of an April Fools joke
You’ve ever kept your kids out of school for a space shuttle launch
You’ve ever jumped off the wrong end of a high dive
You’ve ever pricked your finger when you didn’t have a pen or pencil handy
You’ve ever let your kids camp out in your satellite dish
You couldn’t care less about anything that goes on past the end of the dirt road you live on
You’ve ever gone beachcombing in order to make a mortgage payment
You’ve ever hit bone while shaving
You’ve ever shot your 22 at the men working on the cell phone tower behind your trailer
You’ve ever purchased a fake ID after turning 21
You’ve ever shattered a rib while trying to get to the phone before the answering machine
Your local police chief got his job because he pulled the high school mascot out of quicksand
You burned your wife’s china cabinet because you thought it put you at risk for SARS
You’ve ever got lost in your front yard
You make ends meet by allowing construction companies to dump metal in your little girl’s bedroom
You lost your first chest hair before your first tooth
You floss your teeth with extension cord
You’ve ever paper cut your kids for sassmouth
Your wind chimes are kittens tied to the ceiling with bells around their necks
You’ve ever backhanded a little old lady for rustling a bag of candy around in church
You’ve ever done a gravestone rubbing on the side of your son’s face
You’ve ever watched in wonder as copperhead bit your infant
You have a merit badge in snipe hunting
You’ve ever tied your shoelaces in a knot that put the Boy Scouts of America to shame
You’ve ever had your hand caught in between the left and right buttons of a mouse
You’ve ever beaten a dog unconscious with a watermelon rind
The most advanced piece of machinery in your home is the toenail clipper
You’ve ever raced go-carts for your sister’s hand
You’ve ever made emergency anniversary earrings for your wife out of fishing lures
You have to run your toaster to stay warm during winter
You’ve ever gone to Sunday School just to fart and make people laugh
You’ve ever run a temperature of 105 and still made time to watch the Dukes
You’ve ever sunbathed in a birdbath
You’ve ever ripped all of your chest hair out when you dropped a hell mary at a family reunion
You think DNA stands for Don’t Never Again
Youve ever ordered out Chinese while you were trying to make up your mind about your order in the McDonalds drive thru
You’ve ever head-butted a hornet’s nest for 10 cents
You’ve ever ridden a riding lawnmower off a cliff in a concerted effort to win the America’s Funniest Home Videos grand prize
You’ve ever tried to help an old lady cross the street, but could only throw her halfway
You’ve ever punched a radio cleft in two when the song Sixteen Candles came on
You’ve ever gotten a carpet burn at church
You’ve ever written your phone number down for someone on the side of a turnip
You’ve ever spent a vacation guarding the sandcastle you made the first day
You’ve ever skinned a deer in bed
In order to go to sleep you count pit bulls mauling sheep
You’ve ever literally bet the farm on a cockfight
Your granddaddy’s headstone was carved out of the kidney stone that killed him
You’ve ever written a song about a poker game you were proud of
You’ve ever stuck your son’s hand in a wood chipper for chewing with his mouth closed
You’ve ever bought stock in a company simply because you liked the sound of its name
You’ve ever had a song stuck in your head so bad that you thought you were the person who wrote it
Your tackle box has depth charges in it
The best invention you could come up with to get out of debt was a solar powered rain catcher
You’ve ever had a foreign pen pal that could run circles around your English
You’ve ever busted out some teeth trying to get the correct Happy Meal Toy for your child
You’ve ever dynamited the sundial at town hall for making you late for work
You’ve ever set a wild cougar loose in an ice cream shop because you got the wrong flavor
You were born with a hangover
You’ve ever spit your gum in a largemouth bass, at the last second, in order to win the big fish prize at a local fishing tournament
You’ve ever waxed your car with cream cheese
You have a nickname for your glove compartment
You’ve ever attempted CPR on the corpse at a funeral
You’ve ever jumped off a Ferris wheel to impress a girl with five teeth
You come to high school football games just to point out genital-shaped formations in the marching band’s halftime show
You’ve ever done a line of shredded beef jerky
You ever burned your armpit hair off trying to use a scented candle as deodorant
You’ve ever thrown a handful of Viagra in your favorite fishing hole in hopes of something spectacular
You’ve ever written an excuse to get your kid out of school on a squirrel hide
Youve ever copied your butt crack on a copying machine until it ran out of ink
You once snapped the arms of every members of your high school chess club because they were so different from you
Your landlord is also your tenant
Youve ever gone tightrope walking in your living room
You cant remember what a skyscraper looks like
Youve ever passed a test at the DMV out of pity
You’ve ever painted racing stripes on a turtle
You’ve ever removed the finish from a doorknob scratching your butt on it
Youve ever pierced an ear with a rattlesnake tooth and a jackhammer
You can hitchhike without sticking out your thumb
Youve ever gotten so drunk that you held a press conference to announce a new line of RV cup holders
Youve ever run a transfer truck off a ravine because it wouldn’t blow its horn for your kids doing the elbow jerk thing at it
Youve ever dropped a kitten over a scenic overlook just to see if it would land on its feet
You think poison oak is a good source of potassium
Youve ever cut down a tree in your neighbors yard because it blocked you from seeing their blender
Youve ever flipped a police officer off just because you put a Bugle on your middle finger
You own a membership to a chaw of the month club
You enjoy the tangy flavor created by the backwash your uncle sometimes leaves in your soft drink
Youve ever pickled cucumbers in your boots
Your lifelong dream is to be driving on a bridge when it collapses
Youve ever tried to fish a disk out of your computer with spinner bait
You lost your girlfriend to a homeless gimp
You currently hold a 500 consecutive game losing streak at Monopoly
You’ve ever offended the offensive tailgaters in the infield at a NASCAR race
You’ve ever hotwired a remote control car
Your new trailer instantly burned down as soon as your pen touched the surface of the paper containing the text of the lease
You’ve ever shaved your armpits in a courtroom
You think rattlesnake bite will cure colic
You’ve ever drunk out of a spittoon for a nickel
You’ve ever harvested corn in the nude
You’ve ever filed a police description of a rabid animal that bit one of your children and used the term “well-hung”
You’ve ever been so drunk that you dropped off your mail in a box of playing cards in your sock drawer
You can make a crow call with your butt crack, goatskin, and a lot of butter beans
You bought a GPS in order to find your lost house keys
You think you’re a pimp because you set up a full-blooded blue tick with another of its kind
You’ve ever picked blackberries with a 15-ton tractor
You’ve ever carefully shaved a kitten and put a Cabbage Patch Doll head over it and tried to pass it off as a dependent for the tax collector
Your definition of making foreplay involves dusting the cockroaches off the bed first
You’ve ever siphoned prune juice out of an old sleeping woman’s jaw in order to feed your starving coondog puppies
You’ve ever let your blue tick hound sleep on your baby’s face because your great grandma told you it would cure the measles
You’ve ever mixed drinks at a baby shower
You’ve ever left a barnyard animal to cover for you at work and got fired because it did a better job
You replaced your wife’s lamp you broke with a plunger, a Frisbee, and a jar full of lightning bugs
You’ve ever rigged your own water line up from the creek through a network of snakeskins all tied together
You’ve ever been so drunk that you ate a piece of corn on the cob and later realized, in the bathroom, that it was a Lego space shuttle
You’ve ever had to dislodge a spider egg sack from the corner of your eye because you got into one mean staring contest
You’ve ever put up belly button lint at the horse track
You’ve ever stood on a street corner and thrown raccoon feces at rich people
You asked for your tax refund to be paid in melon peels to feed your hogs
You have both the talent and marksmanship to defecate in a mailbox at 45 mph
You’ve ever wondered what it would be like to have a deer stand in the ivy at Wrigley Field
You’ve ever given a relative such a warm welcome that you painted them their own driving lane all the way from their house
You’ve ever engaged individuals in high speed chases simply because you got a police badge in your breakfast cereal
You’ve ever made a poverty banana split out of Jack Daniels, a sun-dried hot dog, and some cottage cheese
You repaint your house every day because you like the smell
You’ve ever kicked an occupied baby crib over into the fireplace because you were too lazy to go out and gather firewood
You’ve ever awoken with a hangover and found yourself spooning with a severely dented lawn gnome
You’ve ever carved your kids’ names into their foreheads because you were too lazy to learn them
You’ve ever tried to impress your drinking buddies by putting a casserole dish over your head and run headlong into the hot water heater
Your beer belly is genetic
You’ve ever choke slammed a little kid for following and shooting you all around the laser tag arena
You’ve ever lost your graduation tassel and replaced it with a handful of your daughter’s hair
You’ve ever given a hitchhiker your credit card number in exchange for some Spam
Your one-toothed, half-paralyzed granny doubles as a can opener and coat rack
You’ve ever found a mechanic’s nametag while combing out your gote
You’ve ever asked your boss for your paychecks to be rounded to the nearest thousand
You’ve ever picked an ear of corn right out from under the sofa cushion you were sitting on
You’ve ever sued yourself for something you did when you were drunk
Your mama’s left eye is so lazy she can see stuff that happened 3 weeks ago
You’ve ever run out of water and took a bath in lottery ticket stubs
You’ve ever asked for your steak to be cooked alive
Your fiancés’ engagement ring came out of a machine called The Claw
The window of opportunity for you to make anything of yourself was broken by kids playing baseball down the street
You’ve ever broken a Ming vase over your knee because it wasn’t made in the USA
Your girlfriend, your mama, and your grandma all have a schedule for who gets the dentures when
You’ve ever used a handful of cow manure as sunscreen
Your kidney stones were eventually skipped across a lake
Your will explicitly states that your ashes are to be thrown out of the window of a car at a demolition derby in an attempt to wreck another car
You have a deed to each of your tattoos
There’s a plunger in your outhouse
You’ve ever posted a No Trespassing Sign next to an item of merchandise you planned to buy at a later date
You roasted marshmallows instead of calling 911 when your neighbor’s house burned down
You’ve ever taken a restraining order out on your parole officer
You think Old Yeller is a porno movie
You’ve ever shot billiards with your grandma’s cane
Your flyswatter used to be a stop sign
You have a tab at the dollar store
You have a 5-pound bass hiding under the lily pads in your swimming pool
Your livestock barn was built out of legos
You’ve ever clipped your toenails during communion
You were born with a CB handle
You’ve ever practiced changing tires at a junkyard
The figurines atop your wedding cake were actually cigarette butts with smiley faces drawn on them
You carried your wife across the threshold of your new home atop a John Deere
You wear the tennis shoes that your dog drags into the yard
You’ve ever peed in a Mountain Dew bottle and put it back in the fridge
You’ve ever stood on a bridge and peed on a passing boat
You’ve ever dove hunted with a tazer gun
You have to scrape the kudzu off of your car every morning
You had to repeat after school
Your sofa cushions are actually cakes of cornbread
You’ve ever made a Beech Nut quesadilla
You glaze your Christmas ham with antifreeze
You’ve ever made ice cream in a Port-A-John
You’ve ever gotten gas for your lawn mower in an empty bottle of apple juice
You’ve ever used breath mint spray to inflate a flat tire
You’ve ever driven a car with 4 temporary spare tires on it
You’ve ever gotten fired for making rock quarry angels
Your bed sheets change the color of litmus paper substantially
You’ve ever made a belt out of duct tape
You have a picture of a dead hobo in your wallet
Your job is breeding Chia Pets
You’ve ever fallen off your roof and had your fall broken by a disassembled car engine
You met your soul mate in a wooden school bus rain shelter
You’ve ever short-circuited a breathalyzer
You’ve ever played Monopoly for keeps
You’ve ever broken open a highlighter to add color to lemonade
You’ve ever eaten the blobs out of a lava lamp as midnight snack
You’ve ever pulled a dog’s tail so hard its snout came out its butt
Your breath has ever been the inspiration for a Stephen King or Tom Clancy novel
You’ve ever flossed a tooth clean out of socket
You think people who don’t ever bold their fonts might be gay
You’ve ever bobbed for toenail clippings when hard times set in
You’ve ever French kissed the knot in a tree for practice
You have two glass eyes but still can claim 20-20 vision
You’ve ever taken a vacation to Sandwich Islands because you were hungry
You’ve ever volunteered to perform CPR during an emergency in order to score some bubble gum
You’ve ever done a wheelie while horseback riding
You’ve ever gotten rid of Japanese hornets nest with a shop vac
You think a dime bag involves snap pops
You’ve ever put a kid into storage
The hit counter on your website says –1
The homepage you made is located at www.myhomepageisthebestestinjonescounty.com
Your high school allowed firearms on premise
You wear a condom when you give blood
You’ve ever checked a person for doing more laps than you at the walking track
You are physically inferior to a man that had most of his limbs amputated off due to frostbite
You’ve ever made snow cream out of your frostbite
You’ve ever asked for a recount on the results of the civil war
You’ve ever affixed bayonets when you disagreed with a call at a little league soccer game
Your umbilical cord was cut by your eventual son
You’ve ever whittled your coondog’s teeth to make him look meaner
You’ve ever eaten rancid meat in order to take a legitimate sick day
You’ve ever gone over a waterfall in a burlap sack
You’ve ever guessed a letter that you made up while watching Wheel of Fortune
Your concept of karma involves fondue
You think solar eclipses are caused by the sun’s case of ADD
The flowers in your backyard have beer bellies
You collect memorabilia from a drag race that happened 30 years ago on prom night
You laugh out loud a sponsor a foreign kid commercials
You take out taxes on your kids’ allowances
Your Christmas bonus was paid in dead 9-volt batteries
You’ve ever eaten the bindings out a spiral notebook for no reason
Your hometown was named after a man who got drunk and did hip replacement surgery on himself back in 1887
You think cocker spaniels are illegal aliens
Your kids’ names were chosen at random from hot rod magazines
Your next of kin has hooves
You can’t spell anything beyond this sentence
Your idea of heaven in polishing your bass boat with your neighbor’s dead cat
You’ve ever gone grass sledding when you really needed to be foreclosing on your mortgage
You’ve ever been discouraged by a boom in the economy
You once had a teacher draw a picture of a kid being stabbed to death by hermits on an essay you wrote
You’ve ever had a working mirror tattooed on your back
Your front two teeth swivel like a saloon door
You’ve ever spooned with your girl at a carp pond
Your smile resembles a busted windowpane
You’ve ever done a stage dive at a piano recital
The captain of your high school football team was still the captain at your ten-year reunion
You’ve ever called sideways when flipping a coin for money
Your blood type comes in six packs
You’ve ever paid for a washing machine on a 50-year installment plan
Your credit report is stained with blood
You’ve ever rescued a kitten that was drowning in a jar of pickles in your fridge
You’ve ever tried to grow mixed nuts
You’ve ever asked a bar if they had Drano on tap
You’ve ever had to get stitches from a horsefly bite
You’ve ever read your kids The Stand as a bedtime story
You hold a lifelong belief that your Uncle Sadsack is the boogieman
You’ve ever rode a bike in an elevator
You’ve ever brandished your brass knuckles because some old geezer couldn’t do a wheelie in his hover chair
You’ve ever peeled an orange during sex
You’ve ever found a four-leaf clover in your toe jam
You’ve ever spit a watermelon seed through drywall
You’ve ever woke up with a crop circle shaved in your beard
You can see wavy lines when you breathe
You can tell the difference between college and wide rule when you wipe your butt
Your paperweight is a decomposing chicken
You’ve ever emailed a famous animal
You’re paying child support to yourself
You can’t turn the other cheek because you lost it in a hunting accident
You bankrupted Planters on a commuter flight from Montgomery to Birmingham
You’ve ever performed a circumcision with a can opener
You’ve ever played helicopter with a hospitalized kid by swinging him around by his catheter
You’ve ever opened up a scorpion petting zoo and made money off of it
You’ve ever set fire to your kid’s pup tent on Halloween night
You’ve ever set fire to your kid’s puppy on Halloween night
You think urethra is a famous black singer
You’ve ever been asked to sign autographs because of your coondog’s endowment
Your case of herpes emits mushroom clouds
The HEPA filter in your house has sucked in its fair share of songbirds
You’ve ever knocked a woman unconscious by snapping her bra
Your concept of the afterlife involves Johnny Cash beating the immortal crap out of Mark McGwire
You’ve ever high-fived one of those barbershop spinny thingies
You’ve ever tried to spread Christmas cheer with a crop duster
You’ve ever looked through a telescope at a comet and kicked a baby calf out of confusion
You’ve ever bought all the tickets in a 50/50 raffle
Your turn to feed the baby at 3am involves pouring hot apple cider in its eyes
Your comments to an umpire at a little league game resulted in pistols at dawn
Your child was suspended from school for substituting foreskin for four score when reciting The Emancipation Proclamation
You’ve ever given yourself a colonic with a shotgun cleaning rod
You’ve ever tried to paint some serious artwork, but ended up feeding all of the titanium white to a stray cat
You’ve ever watched The Mummy and tried to replicate Imhotep’s face in the sand trick in your mama’s rolls of fat
You’ve ever rolled over in bed and snuffed a kitten’s life out like a scented candle in a hurricane
You’ve ever rolled over in bed and started a lawnmower
You’ve ever shot off a roman candle in a plumber’s crack while he was fixing your faucet
You think Bagel Bites can harm you
You’ve ever claimed to have a 47th degree black belt in order to avoid a fight
You’ve ever gone on vacation under a bridge somewhere
You’ve ever put in a claim on your car insurance because someone ragged on the paint job
You burped “I Do” at your wedding, not the vow, but the song
You’ve ever been mentioned in a State of The Union Address regarding poverty
Your visit to the Smithsonian resulted in a new signature on The Constitution
You’ve ever taken a sick day to read Reader’s Digest
You busted out of prison in a hail of violent gunfire 3 minutes before you were to be released
You think George Jones is one of the apostles
Your barber only knows the mullet haircut
You’ve ever cleaned your toilet with a kitten duct taped to a yardstick
You carry more tools in your left hip pocket than Jeff Gordon’s pit crew
You think a 401K is an assault rifle
You’ve ever fallen asleep while giving birth
You’ve ever had a catfish come out in your bathwater
You’ve ever found a dead kitten in your tackle box
You’ve ever lost an eyebrow to a ceiling fan
You’ve ever brushed your teeth with a lucky rabbit’s foot
You’ve ever had the Heimlich maneuver performed on you to dislodge a CB mic
Your kids only recognize you with vertical lines in front of your face
You’ve ever slung a newborn puppy out a clay thrower
You can shuffle a deck of cards with your butt cheeks
Your shadow picks up more women than you do
You’ve ever lost a sibling in a tire swing accident
You’ve ever buttoned your wife’s top from the living room with a 45mm
You’ve ever asked for a refund on a newspaper
You think Argentina is the color of your aunt
You cheer for the line judges at tennis matches
Reading Moby Dick made you believe the story of Jonah and the Whale
You’ve ever punched out at work a day in advance
You’ve ever spelled a word at a spelling bee in urine
You’ve ever demanded that the deacon pull your finger in exchange for release of the offertory plate
You’ve ever adopted a kid because you needed some butter churned
Your new summer diet is eating snow
You’ve ever used mace in a poker bluff
You’ve ever bought lingerie to jumpstart your beagle breeding
You’ve ever been rejected at Ticketmaster even when the show wasn’t sold out
You’ve ever left a beagle to babysit for you
You use a banana box as a babyseat
You’ve ever carved a Jack-O-Lantern out of a basketball
Your microwave works with the door open
Your underwear is roughly the same color as the Mexican flag
You’ve ever shaken hands with the Tidy Bowl Man
You’ve ever totaled a couch
You’ve ever jumped two school buses in a logging truck
You’ve ever mistaken your water bill for your paycheck
You’ve ever gotten a refund from Welfare
Your wife uses finger paint as makeup
You’ve ever opened a “Return To Sender” pipe bomb
You think the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s wife died from a yeast infection
You’ve ever cheated at hopscotch
You’ve ever ridden a bicycle without a seat
You’ve ever turned your stereo speakers up to 10, hit play, and had to use subtitles for the rest of your life
You attempted suicide because you got too far in debt in a game of Monopoly
You’ve ever lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe against yourself
You’ve ever used a calculator during a game of 21
You think Colonel Sanders got killed at the Alamo
You think pigs in a blanket is the term for the annual police camp out
You’ve ever filmed an amateur porno in a photo booth
You’ve ever counterfeited money with a Polaroid camera
You’ve ever taped over your home video of JFK’s assassination with Ren & Stimpy
Your idea of a lawnmower is a dozen starving goats
You won money off the Kentucky Derby by betting on a pommel horse
You’ve ever tried to catch a Bald Eagle with a slingshot and lab mice dipped in antifreeze
You slept through your entire birthday so that you wouldn’t age
You’ve ever done Vodka shots for your kid’s Show and Tell day at school
You think jungle gyms are a really bad business venture
You’ve ever started sleepwalking while on a rollercoaster
You have a tab at a yard sale
You’ve ever gone out to Trick or Treat and your trick involved arson
You’ve ever sent your kids out to Trick or Treat as dark ninjas
You’ve ever put your kid’s new puppy in his birthday party piñata
You’ve ever demolished a little kid’s dreams just by saying you went to the same elementary school as him
You’ve ever fixed a mess of collard greens on your kid’s chest as a punishment
You’ve put your kid in solitary for badmouthing Spam
You’ve ever lost a loved one in a Sunday afternoon game of badminton
You’ve ever found a tattoo you didn’t know you had, but then realized it was a place you always miss while bathing
You’ve ever done a magic trick resulting in your older brother having never been born
You think a hard drive is going to church with your diarrhea-laden granny on the fritz
You’ve ever made fun of homeless people on a TV inside of the TV/VCR store you sleep next to
You’ve ever been pictured on a milk carton, a little league baseball card, and a gimp man’s tattoo all in the same year
You’ve ever done a cannonball into a pile of newborn kittens and called in natural selection
You’ve ever let a motherless copperhead suckle at your teat
You think snakes were put on this Earth to remind us that length isn’t everything
Your favorite part of hound dog childbirth is setting off firecrackers in the afterbirth
You once found what you thought to be a bottomless pit and dropped a penny down into it, only to realize it was your grandpappy’s windpipe
You’ve ever been so thirsty that you drank out of a zookeeper’s mop bucket
You received a grade of DOA in your CPR class
You run two miles a day on the propeller of a steamboat
You’ve ever done a swan dive off a bridge without checking to see if it was over water or not
You’ve ever hitchhiked at a go-cart track
You’ve ever gone sledding down a hill that sloped back up underneath where you started
You’ve ever looked up into the Winter Sky and hoped for Corn Flakes instead of snow flakes
You think margaritas is an island off the coast of Africa
The only porno website that you know of is two spiders that froze to death on your backporch while mating
You’ve ever hit the Page Down key on your keyboard in an attempt to flip over the “To Do” list lying on your desk
You’ve ever been flipping through channels and passed a syllable’s worth of Jeopardy and passed out
You’ve ever felt something welling up inside of you and came to find out it was your liver text messaging your AA counselor
You’ve ever committed involuntary manslaughter on a seesaw
You’ve ever heard your dentist ask his assistant for the revolver
You’ve ever played tetherball with a bunch of squirrels bound together
You’ve ever fallen out of a deer stand onto your sofa
You’ve ever filed the bare spot of a Christmas tree in with coondog feces
You’ve ever been walking down the street and had a church steeple fall over into your eye
You’ve ever been taking a bath and realized that if you added sugar it would be just like chocolate milk
Your family’s constant state of poverty has been proven genetic
You’ve ever threaded your grandfather’s attached IV cord into a weed eater and did some trim work
Your kids no longer ask “Are we there yet?” after the cell phone bitten in half incident
You think people driving down the road talking on their cell phone should be executed by the person they are talking to
You can’t help but look at Elton John and be reminded of that nerdy kid you blindsided permanently one breezy summer day back in high school
You’ve ever tried to gain attention by going over Niagara Falls in a sock puppet
Every time you look at the sunset you are reminded of the time your bald uncle had a heart attack while playing peek-a-boo with you
You’ve ever attempted to fix your narrow urethra with firecrackers
You’re so poor you can’t afford the Parmesan cheese your found in the drool of a sleeping homeless man
You used your newborn son as an umbrella while escorting his tired mother out of the hospital
You’ve ever hooked a vacuum bag up to someone’s IV as a prank
You thought you discovered a new Africa on a fishing trip
You thought the fountain of youth was located between lockers 300 and 301 at your old high school
You’ve ever prayed for a landslide to end your mortgage and/or child support payments
You’ve ever tried to watch a leaf turn color
You once thought you saw a cloud shaped like a tax auditor and later realized you were simply drunk at your appointment with one
You’ve ever fallen out of a tree and landed on the other side of your mind
You replaced all of your chess pieces with mini liquor bottles
You’ve ever tried to climb the tallest mountain you could find, but couldn’t find one
Your daddy’s casket was carved out of the bass boat that capsized on him
You change your baby’s diaper once a month because it says “Good up to 20 pounds”.
You’ve ever gone into a coma during a sermon
Your trailer park has rules on cannibalism
You tried to remake Deliverance in your backyard but kept getting drunk and breaking the banjos over each other’s armpits
You once erected a tent in order to wait in line for reduced lunch at school
You think Jack The Ripper is famous for farting
You’ve ever read your kids Jack and the Beanstalk and secretly wished that you could have some magic beans
You’ve ever cursed at the bubbly Michelin man thing on TV
You’ve ever looked at the AOL running man logo and realized you just crapped on yourself
You’ve ever climbed to the top of a pine tree in order to see down your mama’s shirt
You’ve ever inserted a comma into the word “I”
You’ve ever used a fire extinguisher to cut an umbilical cord
You’ve ever slipped an asthma inhaler in someone’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich
You’ve ever ridden in the bottom of a shopping cart after the age of thirty
Your kidney is sometimes mentioned in introductory college geology classes
You’ve ever written a song to your girlfriend entitled “I destroyed your hound dog, but I don’t care”.
You’ve ever had to use a toothpick to dislodge a writing spider from your jaw
You’ve ever replaced your TV remote with your boomerang talent
You’ve ever churned butter in order to mentally prepare yourself for surgery
You’ve ever gone into a military surplus store with a purpose
Your three year old can run down a squirrel on a tricycle
You’ve ever gone down into the Everglades in search of a plug in the wall air freshener
You’ve ever tried to make your boat appear to be spooning with another pontoon boat
You’ve ever looked at the back of a dollar bill and thought about going to Egypt
You’ve ever eaten a Happy Meal in a Port-A-John
You once picked a horse because you thought 100:1 odds meant there was a 100% chance it would win
You count your first kiss as that time you bumped heads with a cleaning lady in an elevator
You have to go to a support group in order to stop your habit of drawing hash marks above your bed as a measure of time
One of your guilty pleasures is drawing a little maze next to your name when endorsing a check
You’ve ever gotten a tattoo of a better birthmark on top of your old birthmark
You’ve ever burped your baby during a bungee jump
You’ve ever said, “There is no spoon” because no one would wash the dishes
Your job is diving in front of pit-crew members so that the chunks from spinning tires don’t hit their outfits
You got fired from your job at the dry cleaners for swimming in a pile of clothes
You’ve ever gone up for a 360 at half court
You once brought yourself to Show and Tell
You’ve ever fallen asleep while clicking a link on the Internet
You’ve ever tried to find a long lost relative on the Internet by typing in their name followed by .com
You once spent two days at the zoo trying to kill an elephant with a beebee gun
You joined the mile high club before the “Fasten Seat Belts” light even came on
You’ve ever rolled out of bed and stepped on half of a puppy as it was being born
You’ve ever downloaded a ring tone with a jug being blown in the background
Sparks fly out of your pocket every time your cellphone rings
Your cellphone antenna has tinfoil wrapped around it
You’ve ever fallen out of a helicopter and survived to tell the story to your coondog
You’ve ever gone skydiving with a homemade parachute in order to win a free trip through the salad bar at the steakhouse
You’ve ever had a nightmare at a steakhouse
You’ve ever been talking to someone and bit your tongue off by accident, but tried to act like it didn’t happen
You’ve ever thrown out your shoulder playing Candyland with your niece
You’ve ever kicked a homeless man in the throat just to see if the legends were true, but then realized you didn’t know of any legends
You think a serial killer is a gallon of spoiled milk
You see expiration dates as a dare
You’ve ever tried to sue the bible for plagiarism
You’ve ever done a line of magnetic dust
It’s entirely possible that you may cause the next human Dark Age
You’ve ever accidentally inhaled the graduation tassel hanging from your rear view mirror
Your cap and gown eventually ended up as Exhibit B at a trial
Your diploma was made out to: “To Whom It May Concern…”
You’ve ever held your breath until you saw an IV in your arm
You once lost a breathing under water contest to your late uncle Harold
You’ve ever dislocated your shoulder trying to open a jar of maraschino cherries
You’ve ever asked for a raise even though you didn’t know what it was
Your local volunteer fire department doesn’t have a phone line
Opening the door to your bedroom can result in death 1 out of 3 times
You tried to fix your granddaddy’s cataracts with a straight razor
You need a whole lot more than just your two front teeth for Christmas
You thought the song Silent Night was about the time you sprayed for crickets
You’ve ever tried to use reverse psychology while praying
You thought the rhyme said, “Leaves of three, good to eat” and the next thing you knew, you were eating soup through a tube
You have to pack your kids’ lunches in cigar boxes
You think the Panama Canal is a fancy dentistry technique
You’ve ever pulled a hamstring while reading the bible
You got fed up with gathering firewood and bought a CD burner
You think lacrosse is the French word for Jesus
You’ve ever gone surfing on a hand-carved pine surfboard and came home in a pine box
Your beer belly has its own gravity
You’ve ever tried to scramble eggs using your living room floor and some clever jimmying with the thermostat
You’ve ever broken into a car after it had been crushed into a cube
You’ve ever broken into a car during a demolition derby
You applied for a job at the DMV and lost your license because of the application responses
You tried to get out of debt by writing the script to a Pinocchio vs. The Tin Man horror movie
You think Zorro is the last letter of the alphabet
You cashed in your 401K so you could show that carny that it can be done
You’ve ever mistaken the hallway of a nursing home for a driving range
You’ve ever played spin the bottle at a family reunion
You disposed of your Christmas tree at the dining room table
You’ve ever gone alligator hunting with a paintball gun
You have a bedpan sitting underneath your computer desk
Instead of leaving cookies and milk on Christmas Eve, you leave Beechnut chewing tobacco and white lightning
You’ve ever tried to fake a shopping spree in order to feed your family
You once got on to Jeopardy, but fractured your wrist trying to spin the wheel
Your sister was your best man at your wedding
You’ve ever used your Domino Rally set to scratch an itch on your back
You’ve ever whittled yourself a working DVD player
You’ve ever delivered a kitten with a spoon and a pixie-stix straw
You’ve ever spent one of your honeymoons in a Graceland jail
One of the training requirements for new Disneyland ticket booth employees is to put a framed photo of you up on their nightstand
You’ve ever glazed a Christmas kitten for your coondogs
You’ve ever seen a portrait of JFK in your grandma’s spit bucket
Your three worst habits are biting your toenails, chewing on Double-A batteries, and wiping your butt with photo album pages
You lost your childhood job as a caddy for falling asleep in a golf bag on a cold day
You’ve ever been married twice on the same day
You watch horror films for stress relief
You’ve ever had your deer stand stolen while you were sitting in it
The ring-bearer at your wedding was a pot-bellied pig
You think a dinghy is what you do off of the backporch when the neighbors aren’t home
One of the symbolic vows at your wedding was eating the matter out of each other’s eyes
You’ve ever brought a Game Boy to confessional
You consummated your marriage at the altar
You’ve ever rolled your own cigarettes using golf course grass and twenty-dollar bills
The only framed thing in your house is the eviction notice from your last house
You honest to God thought Lord of The Rings was based upon a real Civil War battle
You’ve ever answered your son’s foot when the phone rang
You’ve ever broken out into a sweat reading email
You’ve ever rolled out of a bunk bed in a furniture store show room
You’ve ever been singing karaoke and heard people blowing their horns at you out on the freeway
You didn’t have to buy milk at school until 7th grade because you were still being breastfed
You’ve ever installed a snooze button on your fire alarm
You once tried to make a real lightsaber, but just ended up painting a bunch of broomstick handles
You spank your kids so much you can see your reflection in the palm of your hand
You’ve ever unclogged your sink with a shotgun
You’ve ever opened a can of asparagus in the blender
You are addicted to sticks of margarine wrapped in edgeless wheat bread
Your contacts are colored flannel
You’ve ever tried to clone a turtle on a copying machine
Your favorite flavor of bubble gum is after all the flavor has been chewed out of it
Your voter registration form had coffee spilled on it and you are forced to vote Republicrat in each election
You’ve ever been accused of being a backseat driver on a 747
You’ve ever tried to ride a horse on a trampoline
You’ve ever sent in a mail in rebate, expecting to get the six-figure sum listed on the expiration date
You cheer for the announcers during the running of the bulls
The floor and engine of your car simultaneously fell out on the interstate and you went Flintstones on that mug
You did a line of mouse droppings for one of those new colored twenty-dollar bills
You’ve ever played with a gun in a hall of mirrors
You’ve ever played jacks with a rubber ball and a dozen black widows
Your shooter for marbles is actually last year’s blue winning entry for largest dung beetle ball in the state fair
You’ve ever robbed a bank and deposited the money all in the same visit
You’ve ever given enough blood to try all 31 of Baskin Robbin’s flavors in one day
You’ve ever tried out for a church softball team and got both cut and excommunicated
You once tried to teach your son to tie his shoes but you got lost in the briar patch along the bunny trail
You’ve ever turned red laughing at local news footage of a kid that got stung into a coma by killer bees
You’ve ever taken a vacation day in order to dial up to your internet connection
Your modem would have been obsolete during the time of Moses
Your kids have ever been screaming mercilessly for help from out in the yard and you just continued to sit there and scratch yourself with the good corner of a TV guide
You’ve ever put your kid in a playful headlock that resulted in brain surgery
You’ve ever slept through a tornado
You entered your kids in a beauty pageant and the judges gave them imaginary number ratings
You think absolute numbers are how many shots of vodka you can drink in one sitting
You take two creams, two sugars, and two burnt Kleenexes in your morning coffee
You’ve ever picked your vacation destination because of the in-flight movies that were going to be shown
You use your computer printer to break open walnuts
Your grandfather met his maker in your attic because of that messed up spring in your Lazy boy
You’ve ever played hackysack with a goldfish
Your mousepad has a picture of Elvis fly-fishing on it
You think Lou Gehrig was the archbishop of Canterbury
Your son has a disease named after a professional baseball player’s dog
You once tried to do your own electrical work, but ended up following the light instead of fixing it
You once bought a parakeet, but it was decapitated 20 seconds after in crossed the threshold of your trailer
You’ve ever used driveway gravel as last second deodorant
You’ve ever sniffed highlighters so you wouldn’t know you were at your daughter’s piano recital
You’ve ever gotten on a roll that just had to be rye
You’ve ever fallen in love, but couldn’t get out of your shirt
Your idea of holy matrimony involves mattresses and moaning
You’ve ever hunted black bear with a sawed-off slingshot
Your dream in high school was to not have any more dreams
Your entry into a kite-making contest looked like a swastika giving birth to a spider monkey
Your favorite show on TV is “When Laser Eye Surgery Goes Wrong”
You thought “To Kill A Mockingbird” was a guide to hunting songbirds
You’ve ever fallen asleep in a nice grassy field and woke up inside of a haybale
Your will is written in bright purple, size 36, Comic Sans font
Your idea of a soulmate involves beating shoes together as hard and as quick as you can
You’ve ever stolen a road cone and used it to insert a suppository
You’ve ever tried to fix someone’s marriage problems with bottle rockets
You’ve ever tried to get rid your hemorrhoids with a sandblaster
You thought the pilgrims came over on the Flamethrower
You think that every time a bell rings a coondog gets the runs
You make your own shotgun shells out of thimbles, gasoline, and Nerds candy
You have a trophy for making pieces of artwork out of your armpit hair
You have a trophy with two mules mating on top of it
Your favorite waterfall is when your cousin Jimmy broke his neck on the high dive
You’ve ever taped your son to an 8-foot ladder in order to get him on a rollercoaster
You’ve ever found a frisbee, a nickel, and a dead softball coach while cleaning out your gutters
You’ve ever practiced 3 Stooges moves on an unsuspecting convenience store clerk
You’ve ever put a horse down because it was the only witness to you eating your toe jam
You’ve ever eaten a quote a day calendar in your sleep
You think a doublewide is too fancy for your kind
You’ve ever run your pickup out of gas on an old logging road trying to find the end of a rainbow
Your family’s roots can be traced back to some dude that hid in a barrel of apples on the Mayflower
You didn’t have a mother per say
You think the sun sets into a hole in the ground way over in Jones county
You’ve ever had to reluctantly tell the dentist that all the enamel missing from your teeth was from an experimental Lego toothbrush
The first time you saw your reflection in the water, you dove in to save him
Your church has a smoking section
You put out your birthday candles with a 12-gauge shotgun and your brother was sitting across the table
You’ve ever trimmed your nails in the coffee grinder at the grocery store
You’ve ever gotten one of your moles caught in a zipper
You’ve ever used earwax as chapstick
You’ve ever thumbed your way to the mailbox
You’ve ever opened a piñata with a 12-gauge
You said, “Long time, no see” to your manhood when you went on the Atkins diet
You’ve ever searched on a search engine for the search engine
You’ve ever tried to mimic Drop Zone in your deer stand
You’ve ever looked down into your alphabet soup and saw the phrase “He’s coming back tomorrow” and just kept on eating
You’ve ever notified the authorities of a solar eclipse
You’ve ever tried to pay off a bookie in sand dollars
You’ve ever blown your nose in a hermit crab
It’s a family tradition to hand pull a tooth during each solar eclipse
Your family traditions always involve cucumbers and air horns
You’ve ever put Triple-A players on your fantasy MLB team
You and your sister shave with the same razor
Your sister uses a feed sack as a sanitary napkin
You’ve ever used a sanitary napkin at the dinner table
You’ve ever delivered puppies in a pie pan
You’ve ever deer hunted out of a hang glider
You couldn’t afford wedding rings, so you just did a pinky swear instead
You’ve ever had an inner ear infection that spoke to you
You accelerate at school crossings
You’ve ever maxed out a credit card at a fireworks store
Your bass boat is an old bathtub and a weed eater
You’ve ever made dentures with pink play dough and off-white legos
You’ve ever brewed coffee from Copenhagen
You’ve ever ordered an escort for Sunday morning services
You’ve ever set off a bottle rocket with a joint
You played Marco Polo with the minister at your baptism
You’ve ever tried to shoplift at Taco Bell
You’ve ever been too drunk to watch fireworks
You’ve ever done cross training for a telethon
Your first AA meeting coincided with your first day of kindergarten
You have a pubic mullet
Your best friend drowned in a game of Battleship
You’ve ever shot pool with a 2×4
You’ve ever let a dog clean your contacts
You’ve ever had to pry a lawn gnome out of your tire well
You’ve ever French kissed a blue tick hound dog
You’ve ever eaten an orange creamsicle in 2 seconds
You’ve ever lost a finger trying to get your change back from a newspaper stand
You’ve ever wondered if Siamese twins get two social security checks
You played a speed bump in your high school’s production of Driving Miss Daisy
You’ve ever spayed a cat with a jellyfish
You have the ability to pee the first line of Emancipation Proclamation in a snowdrift
You’ve ever watched with wonder as your pack of beagles enveloped and devoured a mailman
You have a canker sore with a post office box
You’ve ever had a pet fish commit suicide
You’ve ever used algae as the base for a salad
You think Hamlet is a 6-inch ham sub
You’ve ever coughed up a gumdrop from Christmas 98
You can see a dead puppy from your bathroom window
You think Woodstock is the end you hold when shooting a shotgun
You’ve ever spent 2 hours watching 60 Minutes
You’ve ever sat in on some random court proceedings on your day off from work
Your family bible has cellophane on it
Your 9 month old is on Nicotrol
You think opossum is the other white meat
You’ve ever lost a limb trying to change a light bulb on a roller coaster
You’ve ever been in court with Mickey Mouse
You have more children than you do teeth
The sheriff told you to get ready for a cavity search and you opened your mouth
You’ve ever made a Budweiser and deer smoothie
Your doctor used a bowling ball for your breast implants
You’ve ever used a Roman candle to light a cigar
You’ve ever popped popcorn in your deer stand
You’ve ever fried up the bird out of a cuckoo clock for a midnight snack
You only grow one kind of herb in your herb garden
You’ve ever put a sanitary napkin on a bulldog
You won the Iditarod with a pack of coondogs and a rabbit on a fishing pole
You’ve ever filleted a fish on a table saw
You have a group of teeth that closely resemble Mount Rushmore
You think the Super Bowl is in Superman’s bathroom
You’ve ever made your own tattoo with a ballpoint pen and a hammer
You’ve ever picked up a 6-foot party sub on a bicycle
You’ve ever played pin the tail on the blind veteran
You’ve ever remodeled your camper while driving
Your momma has dollar days
You’ve ever made an underarm fart sound that actually smelled
You’ve ever got a job as a skyscraper window washer so you could say you’ve sat in on some important meetings in the big city
You forgot to turn on the headlights of your 4-wheeler during your grandma’s funeral procession
You’ve ever chummed in some swordfish using your sister’s underwear
You’ve ever come up with and made an issue of a magazine called Playbeagle for your own entertainment
You’ve ever changed a diaper on one of those theme park rides that spins you around so fast you stick to the walls
You’ve ever tried to hunt The Partridge Family
You’ve ever parachuted out of a deer stand
You’ve ever had to take your hound dog to the vet because you tried to play Blue’s Clues with lead-based paint
You’ve ever used a line from Blue’s Clues as a pick up line at a titty bar
You’ve ever shot a songbird for not knowing any of the lyrics to the songs it was singing
You once raised your hand in class and had it taken off by a malfunctioning ceiling fan
You’ve ever practiced your headbutt in the mirror
The best thing you ever got for Christmas growing up was not getting another backhand for sassback
You are at the bottom of every multi-level marketing pyramid

Originals from Billtvshow.com