You know youre not a kid anymore when…

Youre asleep, but others worry that youre dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isnt breaking any laws.

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 pm and ask, did i wake you?

You have dreams about prunes.

You answer a question with because i said so!

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesnt come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You cant remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about good grass and youre refering to someones lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel old folks MTV.

You go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors dont even realize it.