12 Dayz of Christmas

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes


December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. Im just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes


December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, arent you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I dont deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. youre just too kind.

Love Agnes


December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes


December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes


December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So youre back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes


December 20th


Whats with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? Theres bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. Im a nervous wreck and I cant sleep all night. ITS NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes


December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I cant move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.



December 22nd

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now theres nine pipers playing. And Christ – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Youll get yours.

From Ag


December 23rd

You Rotten Prick:

Now theres ten ladies dancing – I dont know why I call those sluts ladies. Theyve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows cant sleep and theyve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldnt be condemned. Im sic-ing the police on you.

One who means it, Ag


December 24th

Listen Fuckhead:

Whats with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister


December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Buggar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

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