Archive for December, 2018

Paco abre un restaurante en

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Paco abre un restaurante en la autopista y su amigo Pepe le dice:

Paco, pon un cartel en el camino para atraer a los clientes.

Un mes después Pepe pasa por la autopista y no ve ningún cartel, pasa el restaurante y piensa que Paco se arrepintió de la colocación del cartel.

Unos 10 minutos depués encuentra un cartel luminoso que dice:

Restaurante. Retroceda 5 Km.

Un cieguito peda limosna en

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un cieguito pedía limosna en una esquina. Pasa un hombre y al querer colocar una moneda en el jarro de metal, aquella pega en el borde y cae lejos. El ciego se levanta, la toma y la introduce en el jarro.

El hombre lo mira y le dice furioso:

¡Basura! ¡Usted es un estafador! ¡No es ciego! Anda engañando a la gente, ¡sinvergüenza!

Cálmese señor, sucede que el cieguito esta enfermo y yo lo estoy reemplazando para juntar dinero.

Ah… ¿y usted a que se dedica?

Soy el sordomudo de la otra esquina…

Four Gents

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.



My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.



The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.



The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.



As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.



To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.

Lawyer Speak

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it? The student replied, Heres an orange. The professor was outraged. No! No! Think like a lawyer! The student then replied, Okay. Id tell him I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…





When the man in the street says: If it aint broke, dont fix it, the lawyer writes: Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.

Knock Knock Whos there? Wah! Wah who? Well you

Poza publicata in [ Knock-knock ]

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wah!
Wah who?
Well you dont have to get so excited about it!

Its not how good your

Poza publicata in [ Business ]

Its not how good your work is, its how well you explain it.

Cowboy and Preacher

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.



The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.



The cowboy said, Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him.



So the minister began his sermon.



One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.



The cowboy answered slowly, Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldnt feed him all the hay.




The Divorce…

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.

During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

Your Honor, replied the defendant, that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didnt have to be present and not to worry.

I cant see why youd punch a man for that, interrupted the judge.

Wait, theres more…

When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.

Then he said, Because everythings coming up Roses.

THATS when I hit him!

A look at the Iraqi TV Guide.

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

MONDAY 8:00 Husseinfeld 8:30 Mad About Everything 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions 9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right 9:30 No-witness News

WEDNESDAY 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy 9:00 Judge Saddam 9:30 (edited)

THURSDAY 8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi 8:30 Achmeds Creek 9:00 Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses 9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things 9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H 9:30 Veilwatch

Having a Beer With Your Brothers

Poza publicata in [ Bar ]

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down. — and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man leaves. On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I dont mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one… sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer… sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I dont mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. Its just that my wife said that I couldnt go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didnt say anything about my brothers."