Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father, Daddy, what are those two dogs doing? To which the father replies, They are making a puppy!

Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father, Daddy what are you and mommy doing?

To which the father replies, Johnny we are making you a little sister.

Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds, Well, daddy could you roll her over? Id rather have a puppy!

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS dont hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS dont hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS dont hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS dont hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
compliment the vice presidents keen eyesight and
enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE dont hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they havent caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Background: A firm in Germany ordered macaroni from a firm in the United
States. While the macaroni was enroute, a couple of boxes
broke open and some rats nested in the macaroni. The German
firm sent the following letter concerning the condition of
the macaroni.

WILHELMSTRASSEE 135
HAMBURG, GERMANY
BRITISH ZONE

SCHENTLEMENS:

DER LAST TWO PACKESCHES VE GOT FROM YOU OF MACARONI WAS MITT RATTSCHIDT
GEMIXT. DER MACARONI MAY BE GUT ENUFF, BUT DER RATTCURDS SCHPOILS DER
TRADE. VE DID NOT SEE DER RATTCURDS IN DER SEMBLES VICH YOU SENT US
FOR EXAMINASHUM.

VE ORDER DER KLEEN MACARONI AND YOU SHIPT SCHIDT MIT DER MACARONI, IT VAS
A MISTAKE, YA? ID TAKES SO MUCH TIME TO PIK DER RATTCURDS FROM DER
MACARONI VE LIKE YOU TO SCHIP US DER MACARONI IN VUN SAK UND DER RATTSCHIDT
IN DER ODDER SAK, DEN VE MIX IT TO SUIT DER CUSTOMER.

PLEASE WRITE IF VE SHULDT SHIPP DER SCHIDT BAK UND KEEPEN DER MACARONI, OR
VE SHULDT KEEP DER SCHIDT UND SCHIPP DER MACARONI BAK OR SCHIPP DER WHOLE
SCHIDDEN VORKS BAK.

VE VANT TO DO RITE IN DIS MADDER, BUT VE DUNT LIK DISS RATTSCHIDT BUSINESS.

MIT MUCH REAPAKIS,

Whats the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentines day. What do you think it means?

Youll know tonight. he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled The meaning of dreams.

Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to light bulb.

Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One if at home, but on school time, four.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

En octubre en Perú había un mono que a cada rato se pajeaba. Un día pasó una chica y se excitó como mierda; se agarró el pene y lo empezó a mover como un tren.

Al otro día pasó una chica guapísima y el mono se pajeó como otra vez del mismo modo.

Al tercer día encuentran al monito muerto y le preguntan a un señor que estaba al lado por qué había muerto, y el señor responde:

Es que pasó por aquí la procesión…