What
are three words that a married person would never
want to hear during sex?
Honey Im home

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, Cross.

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, The Old Rugged Cross.

The pastor hollered out Grace. The congregation began to sing Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.

The pastor said Power. The congregation sang There is Power in the Blood.

The Pastor said Sex. The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing….. Precious Memories.

A pipe burst in a doctors house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800.

The doctor exclaimed, This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a doctor!.

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, Neither did I when I was a doctor.

One day a little old nun was going 35 miles and hour down the highway. The cop pulled her over because she was so slow and asked her why she didnt go any faster.

She pointed at the sign that said highway 35 on it and said that was the speed limit. The cop corrected her and told her that it was highway

35.

The cop looked in the back and saw two scared nuns. He asked them what was wrong and they said, We just got off highway 130!

Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow down.

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, Son, do you have a last request? To which the man replied, Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?

Certainly, replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?

Please, said the condemned man, kill me first.

Once upon a time NASA decided to send three astronauts to space for two years.

One was American, One was Russian and the other was English.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, and the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.

Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked Has anyone got a match?

Good evening ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

Do you know them? Dr. Watson asked. No, Holmes replied, Ive never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.

Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?

Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.

The prostitute, he continued, grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.

Amazing! Watson exclaimed. But how did you know the third was a newlywed?

Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.

Una señora tenía ganas orinar y, como no se aguantaba más, se pone tras una esquina a hacerlo. En eso, un hombre que pasa por allí, al ver a la mujer en sus quehaceres, para no interrumpirla espera a que ésta termine para pasar, cuando oye que se tira un pedo y le reclama:

¡Señora, pero que guarra es usted!

¿Vosotros cuando meáis, no os la sacudís? Pues yo me la soplo.

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And were here to help…



Hah Tu Spek Suthun:



BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.

Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.



JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.



MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.

Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.



ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.



FAR – noun. A conflagration.

Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh doesnt change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.



BAHS – noun. A supervisor.

Usage: If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!



TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesnt git a flat tar in my pickup truck.



TIRE – noun. A tall monument.

Usage: Lord willing and the creeks dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.



RETARD – Verb. To stop working.

Usage: My granpaw retard at age 65.



RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.



FARN – adjective. Not local.

Usage: I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.



JU-HERE – a question.

Usage: Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?



HAZE – a contraction.

Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah … haze ignert.



VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: I aint never seed New York City … view?



GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!