Really Stupid People

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.

Una señora que quiere suicidarse llama por teléfono a su médico para preguntarle dónde se encuentra el corazón. El galeno le explica que el corazón se ubica dos dedos debajo de la teta izquierda.

Una hora más tarde, la ambulancia recoge a la dama en su casa con un balazo en la rodilla.

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE



One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.

Andrew, age 6



No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell … Thats why perfume and deodorant are so popular.

Mae, age 9



I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.

Manuel, age 8



ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE



Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.

John, age 9



If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I dont want to do it. It takes too long.

Glenn, age 7



ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE



If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.

Anita C., age 8



It isnt always just how you look. Look at me. Im handsome like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.

Brian, age 7



Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.

Christine, age 9



REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE



Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.

Greg, age 8



HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?



Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs dont wag their tails nearly as much.

Arnold, age 10



All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark.

Sherm, age 8



CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS



They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they paid good money for them.

Gavin, age 8



They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.

John, age 9



CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE



Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when Dinosaurs is on television.

Jill, age 6



Love is foolish … but I still might try it sometime.

Floyd, age 9



Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.

Dave, age 8



Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade hard enough.

Regina, age 10



THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER



Sensitivity dont hurt.

Robbie, age 8



One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.

Ava, age 8



SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU



Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.

Del, age 6



Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and dont worry if their parents are right there.

Manuel, age 8



Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love.

Alonzo, age 9



One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.

Bart, age 9



HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?



Just see if the man picks up the check. Thats how you can tell if hes in love.

Bobby, age 9



Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold … Other people care more about the food.

Bart, age 9



Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.

Sarah, age 9



See if the man has lipstick on his face.

Sandra, age 7



Its love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because its just like how their hearts are… on fire.

Christine, age 9



TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED



How Do I Love Thee When Youre Always Picking Your Nose?

Arnold, age 10



You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.

Larry, age 8



I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!

Eddie, age 6



I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Dont Bother Me When Im with My Friends.

Bob, age 9



Hey, Baby, I Dont like Girls but Im Willing to Forget You Are One!

Will, age 7



WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY I LOVE YOU





The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.

Michelle, age 9



Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.

Dick, age 7



HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?



I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didnt always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.

Gina, age 8



HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS



You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.

Julia, age 7



You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.

Brian, age 7



It might help to watch soap operas all day.

Carin, age 9



WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?



When theyre rich.

Pam, age 7



Its never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you … Thats why I stopped doing it.

Tammy, age 10



If its your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if its a new person, you have to ask permission.

Roger, age 6



HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE



Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.

Dick, age 7



Dont forget your wifes name … That will mess up the love.

Erin, age 8



Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.

Dave, age 8



Dont say you love somebody and then change your mind … Love isnt like picking what movie you want to watch.

Natalie, age 8

Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.

Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and Ive just closed the register.

(Q.)Why do mexicans eat tamales for christmas?

(A.)So they have something to unwrap

HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE

Page yourself over the intercom. (Dont disguise your voice)

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what youre doing. For example: If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Reply to everything someone says with, Thats what you think.

Dont use any punctuation in your emails

Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say are you sure?

Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person How much are the washer and dryer?

Five dollars for both of them, the salesman said.

Yeah right, youve got to be kidding me! the man replied sarcastically.

No, thats the price, the salesman said, Do you want to buy them or not?

Yeah, Ill take them! the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. How much? he asked.

Five dollars for the system, the salesman answered.

Is it stolen? the guy asks.

No, said the salesman, Its brand new, do you want it or not?

Sure, the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. How much?

Five dollars, was the familiar response.

Ill take that too! the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,

Why are your prices so cheap?

The salesman said, Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What hes doing to her, Im doing to his business!

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspect a cereal killer.