Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

c. After wrecking your boss Ferrari

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If youve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy whos running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddys fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddys birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whos playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when youre sunning on a tropical beach….and its delivered by a topless supermodel…and its free.

Unless youre in prison, never fight naked.

Friends dont let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a mans zipper is down, thats his problem—you didnt see nothin.

Women who claim they love to watch sports must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if shes withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Finally…Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

One day, Bill Clinton, Rush Limbaugh and Al Gore decided to walk to the Wizard of Ozs castle in Emerald City. When they got there, the Wizard asked them what they wanted the most. Limbaugh asked for a heart, Gore asked for a brain, and Clinton asked for Dorothy.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, Theyre all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the mans opinion.

Well said the man, Shes just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice … but pigeon-toed.

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

Well, the man replied, shes just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell … cross-eyed.

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, shes perfect, just perfect! Shes the one I want to marry!

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

Well, explained the farmer, she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell … pregnant when you met her.

You might be a redneck if…
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

It was the only time that 12 adults could get Michael off.

What is the difference between the Titantic and Bill Clinton?

They know how many people went down on the Titantic!!

You know, a guy told his buddies, Im a lucky man.I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work.

What did she do? someone asked.

She was so happy to have me home, he said, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, shed shout, My husbands home! My husbands home!

Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. What are you doing? she asks. Mom, its my LOVE dress!! Dont you like it? Ill come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. Now what are you doing? Mom, its my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: Honey, what are you doing? she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, Its my LOVE dress! What do you think of it? Her husband thinks long and hard and says, I think you should have ironed it!

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders car?



Neither has he.