Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.

Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, said the nun, gently patting his hand. We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance? No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely.

Then can you pay in cash? persisted the nun. Im afraid I cannot, Sister.

Well, do you have any close relatives? the nun questioned sternly. Just my sister in New Mexico, he volunteered. But shes a humble spinster nun. Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters – they are married to God!

Really?, said Mr. Smith. In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!

Q: Whats the definition of a successful musician?

A: One whose spouse has TWO jobs.

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?!?

That would suit me just fine!! the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didnt see his wife.

Tuesday went by with the same result.

Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

Established 1903 – We support monkey business

Theres a new Kosher Japanese restaurant opening soon. Its called So-Sue-Me.

Well, while were at it, I once ordered a pizza with anchovies, and
when it came there were 2 or 3 tiny pieces of anchovy on it. When I
complained, the serving person said, Well, most people dont like
anchovy.

Derek Wills
Department of Astronomy, University of Texas,

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him: Welcome Mr Gates, weve
been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been
selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Ill be generous and give you a
choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are
tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands
of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde
with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle
of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says Ill take this option.

Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of
all!

Thats what everyone thinks snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and
the girl hasnt!

What about the PC?

Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys!

Which three?

Control, Alt and Delete!

A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet.

She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didnt help.

One of the men immediately replies: No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.

Va un tipo vendiendo tamales por la calle:

¡Tamales de pollo, carne y elote!

En eso, una señora a la que le habían amputado una pierna lo escucha y sale corriendo a alcanzarlo:

Señor, señor, espérese.

El tamalero se detiene y le pregunta:

¿De qué le doy?

¿De qué tiene?

De pollo, de elote y de carne, usted escoja.

¡Pues yo soy coja, pero usted es un hijo de la chingada!

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these.



The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.



Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. Its something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time.



Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, Spit em out, guys, theyre assholes!

Bradys First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?