What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support!

Marthas way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Marthas way: Use a meat baster to squeeze your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and youll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Marthas way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Marthas way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, arent you going to take the shells off anyway?

Marthas way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Marthas way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chilis every night and avoid cooking.

Marthas way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there wont be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there wont be any leftovers.

Marthas way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there wont be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. Theyll even decorate it for you.

Marthas way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while its still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix me up.

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, thats too damn bad.

My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I dont care how bad it tastes.

Marthas way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Marthas way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I dont do it.

Marthas way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it.

My way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Marthas way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.

My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Marthas way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasnt fresh.

Marthas way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you cant rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isnt the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Marthas way: Dont throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

Marthas way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Marthas way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Marthas way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window…

Young lady, he began, I would like three pickets to titsburg. Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached…

Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, he began, and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third…

Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say, he continued, if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates –

St. Fingers going to shake his peter at you!

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.

Man: May I see you pretty soon?

Woman: Dont you think Im pretty now?

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.

Woman: Thank you. Its on aisle three at the corner drug store.

Man: You look like a dream.

Woman: Go back to sleep.

Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.

Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not enter. or Stop.

Man: Id go through anything for you.

Woman: Lets start with your bank account.

Man: May I have the last dance?

Woman: Youve just had it.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to your place, and Ill go to mine.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Whats it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

Woman: Whats it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.

Woman: If I could see you naked, Id die laughing.

Q – Why do women have smaller feet than men?? A – So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

Q – The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door… which do you let in first? A – The dog of course, at least hell shut up once hes inside!

Q – What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells? A – Pregnant

Q – What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence? A – Divorced

Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs which dont burn out, so they dont know how.

A blonde and a brunette were sitting on the park bench when the brunette said, My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders.

The blonde said, How do you give a man shoulders?

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa. Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you $50! figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blondes attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. Whats the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesnt say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, its the blondes turn. She asks the lawyer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, so what IS the answer!?
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Va una de esas niñas locas (Homo) a hacerse ver del médico, y mientras va caminando por la calle se le olvida el nombre del Doctor.

Cuando llega y toca la puerta sale un señor y le pregunta que deseaba

La loca le dice: Perdón, este… ¿el consultorio del Doctor… VERGARA?

No, Este es el consultorio del Dr. GUEVARA.

Y la loca dice: ¡Ay Dios mío, en que habré estado pensando!

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

1) Cain wasnt Abel.

2) Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.

3) King David sat on the throne for forty years.

4) Solomon – neither heaven nor Earth could move him.

5) Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.