Rejected Hallmark Cards:

So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day… Look at the bright side, shes a really good lay.

My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry.

You had your bladder removed and youre on the mends… heres a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

Youve announced that youre gay, wont that be a laugh, when they find out youre one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… But dont fret about it… She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead… it was once so alive Dont you regret installing Windows 95?

You totalled your car… and cant remember why… could it have been… that case of Bud Dry?

Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.

Un zoológico había comprado una gorila hembra de una especie rara. Tras unas semanas, la gorila se volvió irritable y difícil de manejar. Tras examinarla, el veterinario determinó que estaba en celo, lo cual era un gran problema, ya que no había ningún macho de esa especie disponible.

Tras pensarlo detenidamente, el administrador del zoológico reparó en Manolo, un empleado responsable de limpiar las jaulas. Manolo tenía reputación de saber satisfacer a cualquier mujer y no parecía muy listo. Tal vez podrían convencerlo de satisfacer a la gorila. Así que le propusieron: ¿Aceptarías hacerlo con la gorila por 500 dólares?

Manolo dijo que podría intersarle, pero que deseaba pensarlo un poco.

Al día siguiente, Manolo dijo que aceptaba, con tres condiciones:

Primero, no quiero tener que besarla. Segundo, no quiero saber nada de hijos.

El administrador aceptó sin pestañear estas condiciones, pero ¿cuál era la tercera?

¡Bueno, me tienen que dar otra semana para juntar los 500 dólares!

En plena clase, Pepito se levanta; se baja los pantalones y, enfrente de todo su grupo, comienza a orinar cantando: Lindo pescadito…

Al día siguiente, a la hora del recreo, en medio del patio, se baja los pantalones y empieza a orinar cantando: Lindo pescadito…

La maestra, cansada de este acto, manda llamar a su papá:

Señor, me da mucha pena molestarlo, pero Pepito siempre se baja los pantalones y comienza a orinar cantando: Lindo pescadito…

El papá, riéndose, responde:

¡Ay, señorita, eso no es nada! Mire esto: Tiburón, tiburón…

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God…



Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case; Im going to let you decide where you want to go.



Bill replied, Well, whats the difference between the two?



God said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision.



Fine, but where should I go first?



Ill leave that up to you.



Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.



So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.



This is great! he told God. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!



Fine, said God, and off they went.



Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.



Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. Hmmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told God.



Fine, retorted God, as you desire.



So Bill Gates went to Hell.



Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.



Hows everything going? he asked Bill.



Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!



Oh, that?…That was a DEMO, replied God.

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

Willie came up to the teachers desk and said, Miss Francis, I aint got no crayons.



Willie, Miss Francis said, you mean, I dont have any crayons. You dont have any crayons. We dont have any crayons. They dont have any crayons. Do you see what Im getting at?



Not really, Willie said, What happened to all them crayons?

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

The blonde said, How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?

The man replied, She should. She was standing on the porch.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

A lady says to her doctor, My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I dont smell anything.

The doctor examines her, and then says, You need an operation.

She asks, On my vagina?

He says, No. On your nose!

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

A young boy had just earned his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, I will make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut, and then well talk about it.

After a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the fathers study where the father said, Son, Ive been very proud of you. You have brought your school grades up, youve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut.

The young man waited a moment and then replied, You know Dad, Ive been


thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair andNoah


had long hair.

The rabbi said, Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.