Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight

Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 208-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the man responded, Ten pounds.

The voice replied, Very well, give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning..

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, Twenty pounds..

Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating If you catch me, you can have me. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself! He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

This is fantastic!, he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?. Fifty pounds!, the man exclaimed. Fifty pounds?, the voice asked. Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.

The man replied, Listen buddy, heres my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!, and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,

If I catch you, Im going to screw you

Robert Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, Why dont we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?He thought it over and agreed. Bob put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, You know dear, Ive been thinking it over. I see no reason why we couldnt manage a month-long cruise. so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young.Bob smiled, turned around, and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms. Upon returning back home, his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face. Bob, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, theres nothing to stop us from cruising around the world.Ill be right back, he said. Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter, the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 200 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order, then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, You know, Mr. Johnson, youve been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly dont mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didnt live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Q: Whats the definition of a gentleman?
A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesnt.

Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two–one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.

Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient.

Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears.

But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant.

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?

Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

These two strangers are having a drink at a bar. The one orders a beer and drinks it down rightaway and then sighs with pleasure. He immedietly walks over to the window jumps out and floats to the ground. A minute later he walks back in and sits down next to the stranger. The stranger cant believe what he just saw and asks for an explanation. The other man explains that when ever he drinks this certain kind of beer it makes him feel so good he feels like floating. The stranger has heard enough and orders the same beer and drinks it right down goes over to the window and jumps out, splatt!!! The bartender looks over at the guy left at the bar and says, Superman sometimes youre such an ass.

Once there were three men who were going to be executed with the guillotine during the French Revolution. The first man was a mathmatician, the second man was an artist, and the third man was a engineer.

The police led the mathmatician up and told him to say his last words. He said, I will always die for my country. The men led him to the guillotine. The blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the mathmatician would not die.



The same thing happened to the artist. His last words were, I will always die for my country. He was led to the guillotine and the blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the artist would not die.



When the police led the engineer up and told him to say his last words, he said, I think I know how to fix the guillotine.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

81. Collect Chia-Pets.