You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

Two newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, Here, put these on. She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
I cant wear your trousers, she said.

Thats right, said the husband, and dont you ever forget it. Im the man who wears the pants in this family.

With that she flipped him her panties and said, Try these on.

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. Hell, he said. I cant get into your panties!

She replied, Thats right, and thats the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, Your first job will be to sweep out the store.

But Im a college graduate!! the young man replied indignantly.

Oh, Im sorry about the misunderstanding, said the manager. Here, give me the broom – Ill show you how.

During World War I, a German soldier on the eastern front expressed

his absolute certainty of victory. Franz, he said, we Germans are
pious people who pray to God on the eve of each battle. How can we
lose?
Franz said, I know that, Dietrich, but the Russians are pious,
too. They pray to God before each battle also.
Dietrich said, Of course. But who understands Russian?

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was Exotic Pets and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

Would that suit your needs? he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

Ah, replied the salesman, leering, but this amphibian has been carefully trained … to perform oral sex upon women.

At this the womans eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said hed be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

You see? she asked, petulantly.

Yes, I do, said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, Now, Im only going to show you this one more time…

The late Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a hotel room.

She: My god, it is cold in here.

Herbert von Karajan: But, liebchen, when we are in private, you can call me Herbert.

When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right.
The third one shouts, Weve hit it!

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. Would you like a new Mink Coat? he asks.Not really, says Mary.Well how about a new Mercedes sports car? says John.No, she responds.What about a new vacation home in the country? he suggests.She again rejects his offer with a No thanks.Well what would you like for your anniversary? John asks.Actually John, Id like a divorce, answers Mary.Sorry, I wasnt planning to spend that much, says John.

To lighten your day, especially if youre a tutor in CSC 104, 108, etc.,
heres a gripe sent in by a first-year student using the PCs:

This may sound like a dumb question but yesterday I wanted to make a
backup copy of my disk so I put them both in the drive. At first they…

(Thats right, the drive. The PCs have ONE floppy drive.)

…wouldnt fit together, but after some force they did fit snuggly. I
then realized I hadnt new-ed the second disk so I typed new. All of a
sudden the drive made a lot of strange sounds and I couldnt get the
disks out any more. What did I do wrong ?????

… always fifteen years older than I am.

– Bernard Baruch

… a matter of feeling, not of years.

– George W. Curtis

Youth is a blunder; manhood is a struggle; old age a regret.

– Benjamin Disraeli

When a man is young he writes songs; grown up he speaks in poverbs; in old age he preaches pessimism.

– Hebrew proverb

Age is not all decay; it is the ripening, the swelling, of the fresh life within, that withers and bursts the husks.

– George Macdonald

A man is still young as long as women can make him happy or unhappy. He reaches middle age when they can no longer make him unhappy. He is old when they cease to make him either happy or unhappy.

– Anon.

… when one begins to exchange emotions for symptoms.

– Anon.