A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: You have a tennis elbow.

The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom.

He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample.

After 30 seconds the printout read: Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow.

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.

This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctors advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that shed indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimos igloo, where he said Watch this! and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor. Not bad said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimos igloo, and he said Watch this! and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

Wow, thats colder than mine! said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimos igloo. He said Watch this! and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT. He won!

This is a true story…

My father and stepmother knew that my baby brother was going to have
to be born by Caesarian. Nonetheless, flush with parental enthusiasm, they
decided that Dad was to take photos of the event. The roll of film was duly
taken and sent off to be processed, however when we got the little
package back we found it to be full of someones holiday snaps. There had
been a mix-up and someone else was, at that very moment, finding photos
of an operation instead of beaches and smiling faces…

When the developers arranged a swap they told us the other people
had been very upset.

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?

Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.

Wow, fifty dollars! exclaimed the bride, the monks only used to give us an apple…

Q: Do you know why Iraqs navy has glass bottomed ships?

A: So the sailors can see their air force!

One day, a little girl was going to Sunday School, when she saw little Jonny.


Nwo, Little Jonny always had trouble staying awake in class, so the little girl decided to help him.

The Sunday School teacher asked, Who was the greatest man that ever lived?


The little girl poked Jonny in the back with her pencil, to which he replied, Jesus Christ!


That is correct, now sit down and no yelling.


The teacher then asked, Who was the man that died on the cross for us?


The little girl poked Jonny in the back again, to which he replied, Good Lord!


Thats correct. NOw sit down and stop yelling.

Then she asked, What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 32nd child?

once again the little girl poked Jonny in the back to which he replied, If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will grab it and break it in half!

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. OLearys cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a firemans worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Cierto día, todos los números 0 tenían una fiesta, pero un 8 que andaba por ahí también quería entrar:

¡Demonios, esos malditos números racistas no me van a dejar entrar a su fiesta!

Entonces, se le ocurrió un plan. Así que entra a la fiesta como si nada; pero al ver esto los números 0, se acercan a él y le reclaman:

Eh, idiota, ésta es una fiesta de números 0, ¿qué haces aquí si tú eres un 8?

¡Ea, tranquilos hermanos, si tan sólo me apreté mucho el cinturón!

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, What are you up to there, Tim?

My goldfish died, replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, and Ive just buried him.

The neighbor was concerned, Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, Thats because hes inside your stupid cat.