Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

41. Stare at the persons next to yours screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say You did that? loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell COVEEEEERRRRRR! peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. Oh, good. It worked this time, and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See whos online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like youve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out youre a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend its the computer and look really lost.

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

Yes, I sure did, responded the pessimist. He cant swim.

The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.

Pop, he drawled, Ahm jest not sure Ah know what tdo.

Its simple, said his father.

Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses.

Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.

Una señora llega con el sacerdote llorando.

¿Qué le sucede señora?, le pregunta el clérigo.

Es mi hijo.

¿Y qué le pasa?

Es que el niño fuma marihuana.

El religioso hace pasar al infante y le pregunta que desde cuando fuma.

Desde la primera vez que hice el amor, le contesta con desparpajo.

¿Y cuándo fue la primera vez que hiciste el amor?, se sorprende el cura.

No me acuerdo, estaba borracho.

Se encuentran tres mujeres por la calle, dos de ellas llevan abrigos de visón y van muy enjoyadas; la tercera, extrañada, les pregunta:

¿Cómo hacéis para ir tan lujosas?

¡Ay, hija, porque podemos!

Uy, hay que ver lo mal que pronunciáis la jota, contesta la tercera.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

A: Sanka.



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Knock Knock
Whos there?
Philip!
Philip who?
Philip my glass will you please!

Q: Did you hear about Pepsis new soda just for blondes?
A: It has open other end printed on the bottom.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?