At a church, a new priest was being trained. He was so nervous at his first mass
that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the
Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, Next week it may help if you
put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go
smoothly.

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice, and was able to
talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he
found a note from the Monsignor:

Next time, sip rather than gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples not 10.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.

We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and
the Boys.

Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffys.

We do not refer to the cross as the The Big T.

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

The recommended Grace before meals is not Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub,
Yo God!

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was
stoned off his ass.

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat
it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat me.

Last, but not least, it is the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the Cherry.

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.

Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

Your neighbours are an arsehole and two nuts.
Your best friends a cunt.
Youve only got one eye, and you cant see through it.
You always have to wear a collar
and whenever you get excited you throw up.

.. came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
Wheres Mom and Dad? and she replied, Theyre up in bed.
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, Wheres Mom and Dad? and she replied, Theyre still up in bed.
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, Wheres Mom and Dad? and his grandmother replied, Theyre still up in bed.
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, What gives? Every time I tell you theyre still up in bed you start to laugh! Whats going on here?
The little boy replied, Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him Super Glue.

Two redneck wives were drinking tea and the one noticed that the other was pregnant.

We dont have to worry about that! said one, pointing to her friends tummy. For years now we are using the Bucket and saucer method of contraception.

And what may that be? asked the pregnant one.

You see, my husband is quite short. So we do it standing up and he stands on a bucket to reach. So I watch him, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

A: Because theyre used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, Lawyers are horses asses.

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: Mister, watch what you say. Youre in horse country.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig wont do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I dont understand, Cindy complained. When people find out Im a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. Look, said one to the other, Lets be honest with each other.

Okay, you first, replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.

Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first. You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement

A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are avocat in French)

A: Both have hearts like stones.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland. The topic of discussion was the new medical technology from their countries.
In my country, a German doctor said, medicine is so advanced, we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks.

Thats nothing, a Japanese doctor said. We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday.

Thats nothing! said an American doctor. We can take an asshole from Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!

[Ed: Reportedly told in the November 88 Playboy Party Joke Column]

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada.
Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, Remember only one
moose, because the plane wouldnt be able to take off with more weight
than that. The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to
pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes, I told you guys only one moose, youll have to leave one
because we wont be able to take off with that much weight. Oh, cmon,
beg the two hunters, Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, youre
just a chicken.

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to
bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake,
straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as
they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the
lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks
at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, Where are we? To which
the other hunter replies, Oh, Id say about a hundred yards farther than
last year.

Joe Dakes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dinah!
Dinah who?
Dinah shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!

Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.