The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her mother. Mom, she said, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.The mother took a deep breath and began, Dear, when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…I know how to screw, mother, the bride-to-be interrupted. I want you to know how to make your lasagna.

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing. Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

To err is human; to admit it is not.

At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
The paleness of your face (because of the lack of blood) – Its all you-know-where.
You begin to look at the dog with interest.
You fall naked and face down on the beach and the point comes out in New Zealand.
They confuse you with the duracell bunny.
When you come into a sauna, everyone stands up and applauds.
You begin to thing that your mother-in-law is pretty.
You no longer need the TV remote control.
You killed a passer-by with a button that flew off your new Levis.
If you die, they wont be able to close your coffin for three days.
They begin to call you the tripod.
The butchers look for you because they ran out of peperoni.
You go out to sunbathe nude and (if youre standing) the birds perch on it to rest, or (if youre lying down) you look like a sundial.
When you go camping all you bring is the canvas, but you leave the tent poles behind.
Everyone lets you get in line in front of him or her in the bank, the supermarket, etc.
Pinocchio doesnt look like such a liar, compared with you.
When you go to the kitchen in the middle of the night, you can carry the glass of milk, the cookies, the napkins, the plate, and other things that you couldnt before using just 2 hands.
You always lose limbo contests.
Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.
You can make drawings in the sand at the beach without having to look for a stick.
You had them take down the ceiling fan in the bedroom because you like to sleep on your back.

These were forwarded to me from a Spanish humor list. Enjoy.

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

I am going to eat you for lunch!, said the fox.

Wait!, replied the rabbit, You should at least wait a few days.

Oh yeah? Why should I wait?

Well, I am just finishing my thesis on The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.

Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit.

Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch.

You really are crazy!

But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

Wait! yelled the rabbit, you cant eat me right now.

And why might that be, my furry appetizer?

I am almost finished writing my thesis on The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

Maybe I shouldnt eat you. You really are sick…in the head. You might have something contagious.

Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions.

So the wolf went down into the rabbits hole… and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, Whats up? You seem very happy.

Yup, I just finished my thesis.

Congratulations. Whats it about?

The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.

Are you sure? That doesnt sound right.

Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself.

So togeth

Two blondes were riding a train for the first time. They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch. Just as one bit into her banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain.

In the darkness was overheard, Did you take a bite of your banana?

No.

Well, dont. I did and I just went blind.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

A student comes to a young professors office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. I would do anything to pass this exam.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. I mean, she whispers, I would do anything.He returns her gaze. Anything?Anything.His voice turns to a whisper. Would you … study?

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second…