What do you call oral sex with a midget?

A low blow.

The greatest spectacle in sports, The Indy 500 (auto race) will be held next weekend. It is probably the single biggest party in the world (about 500,000 people attend). The race is almost secondary to the general debauchery that occurs. It seems like everyone shows up with a case of Budweiser and an attitude.

They allow spectators into the infield of the track, which is amazing since they cant see a single car the entire time. Those folks go just to party. There is one infamous area of the infield called the Snake Pit, where the motorcycle gangs hang out and cops dont even dare to go in alone.

Being from Indianapolis I have always gone to the race. Our family has the same seats in the stands every year, though Im usually the only one who uses them. Ive always taken my rowdy friends and had a good ole time.

This year, my wife has invited her parents to go with us. This will certainly put a big cramp in my race day style, so I created the following ripoff on Lettermans lists. I hope there are some race fans out there who can appreciate the humor…

TOP 10 Reasons Its OK that My In-Laws will be at the Indy 500

10. Two more people to push the car if we run out of gas in the traffic afterwards.
9. The people with seats near ours, who I have terrorized for years, will be *so* impressed at how well behaved I am this year.
8. Three words: Sylvias potato salad
7. Wont have to (get to?) take life threatening trip into the Snake Pit
6. Wont embarrass my wife this year by ripping my shirt off every time I see a SHOW US YOUR TITS sign.
5. With Dan on his book signing tour, the Quayles wont be available anyway.
4. There will be one person at the race who thinks that commentator Sam Posey is actually offering keen insights.
3. Why bother going to the race ever again, anyway, now that Mario is retiring.
2. For the next 40 years Ill get to say, What do you mean we never take your parents anywhere. Didnt I take em to the race in 94?

   And the number one reason Its OK that My In-Laws will be at the Race with me this year:

1. Wont have to lug around that cooler full of beer all day!

An 80-year-old man walks into a church and goes straight into the
confessional. There he hears a voice, Yes my son? Tell me your sins.

Well, Father, says the old man. I had sexual relations with a 17-year-old
girl.

Hmmm, says the Priest. Well, given todays lifestyles, and the fact that
people are having sex at a younger age these days, Im not too surprised.

But Father, Im 80 years old, says the man.

80 years old! And she is 17?! My goodness, well I guess things really have
changed these days. Just say 3 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers, and your sins
will be forgiven, replies the Priest.

I cant do that, Father, you see, Im Jewish!

Youre Jewish? Then why did you come in here to tell me this? asks the
Priest.

Because Father, Im telling everybody!

*** ON TESCOS TIRAMISU DESERT – Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)*** ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING – Product will be hot after heating*** ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON – Do not iron clothes on body*** ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE – Do not drive car or operate machinery*** ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) – Warning: may cause drowsiness*** ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE – Warning keep out of children*** ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS – For indoor or outdoor use only.*** ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR – Not to be used for the other use*** ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS – Warning: contains nuts*** ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS – Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.*** ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW – Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands*** ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS – Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

GUY: The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place so we can spread the word.

GUY: Your daddy must be a baker, because you got a nice set of buns.

GUY: Your daddy is a thief, he took the twinkle out of the stars and put it in your eyes.

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.


Having read the story, she gave the children a work sheet to do.


While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly damn!


The teacher leaned over and said quietly, We dont say that in school.


The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, Really? Not even when things are all f***ed up?

A little boy went to the doctors office and was just a little bit nervous, because he had to get a shot today. The doctor noticed this and tried to calm him down, If you had a million dollars what would you get? The little boy thought for a minute and said, A box of tampax. The doctor was confused and asked him why? Well, the little boy said. The commercials said that if you wear them then you can swim, ride a horse, or do sports anytime you want to.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued, Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

How much for a season pass?

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (Im a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadnt worked. The second decided to try.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadnt worked. The third man knew he had the solution.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But thats what yr friends hae been trying to tell me."