The President of the synagogue went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

He says, Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!

Yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter, just as services are starting, they show up.

Attendance was good in the small Methodist church, and there wasnt a pew available; several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back.

The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, I beg your pardon?

Get three chairs for my Baptist friends, repeated the minister.

The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. Three Chairs … For The Baptists, he enunciated.

The ushers face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation. All right, everybody, he called out to the assembled worshippers. Three cheers for the Baptists!

[Thanks to TZ]

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employers Lingo:

COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE Youll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employees Lingo:

IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: Ive used Microsoft Office.

IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK I blame others for my mistakes.

IM PERSONABLE I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE Ive changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO Im never at my desk.

IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED The minute I find a better job, Im outta there.

What kind of ear does a train have?

an Engineer

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for lunch Im gonna jump off of this building."

Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get one more burrito for lunch Im gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he siad if I get one more bologna sandwhich Im goona jump off of this building.

The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.

The next day at their funeral the Irish mans wife said, Bagorrah, only if I would have known that he didnt like cabage and beef I would have packed him something else." Then the Mexicans wife then said, If I only knew he didnt like burritos, I would have packed something else. Finally, the blonde mans wife siad I dont know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.

A blade of grass; I was just kidding about the wheels.

Telegram received from ex-employee:

Fuck you. I quit. Strong message to follow.

Since this most recent sex scandal broke on President Clinton, most democrats are scrambling to defend him. One of the more popular ones around seems to be: Kennedy did the same thing.

Well … maybe, but not only did Kennedy have class and discretion, he had much better taste in women.

A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?

Billy replies Oh, Father OSullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service