The morning after their honeymoon,the wife said to her husband: Yknow, youre really a lousy lover!The husband replied, How would you know after only 30 seconds?

At the marriage counselors office, the woman complained, Whats-his-name here says I dont give him enough attention.

A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. Hes sure that
theres nobody home but he sneaks in, doesnt turn on any lights and heads
for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

He hears a voice say, I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!

He freezes in his tracks! He doesnt move a muscle!

A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats I can see you! Jesus can
see you, too!

He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the
room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. Did you say that?

The parrot says again, I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!

Hah! So what?! Youre just a parrot! says the burglar.

I may be just a parrot, replies the parrot. But Jesus is a
Doberman!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend

5.0 to Husband

1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend

5.

0.

In addition, Husband

1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance

9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL

5.0 and NBA

3.

0. Conversation

8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning

2.6 simply crashes the system.

Ive tried running Nagging

5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

–Desperate

***

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend

5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband

1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears

6.

2. Husband

1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty

3.0 and Flowers

7.

0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband

1.0 to default to GrumpySilence

2.5, Happyhour

7.0 or Beer

6.

1.

Beer

6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw

1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband

1.0

In summary, Husband

1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood

3.0 and Lingerie

5.

3.

Good Luck! Tech Support

Seen on a parking space in a churchs parking lot in Edinburgh, IN

Clergy parking only – you park, you preach!

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a
photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savanna in their jeep, stop and
scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: Look! There is a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a
white zebra! It is fantastic! There are white zebras! We will be famous!

The statistician: It is not significant. We only know there is one white
zebra.

The mathematician: Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white
on one side.

The computer scientist: Oh, no! A special case!

A little boy was playing by a pond when he saw a Port-A-Potty. Feeling mischievous, he tipped it over into the pond, and ran all the way home. At dinner, his father told the story of how George Washington chopped down the cherry tree. Feeling incredibly guilty, the little boy fessed up and told his father about what had happened. Soon, the boy was spanked, and how! "Wait, dad! Whats going on? I told you the truth!""Yes, you did. But George Washingtons dad wasnt in the tree when he chopped it down!"

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season



Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).



1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under Bah humbug.

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmas house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.



In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

One is a wide-mouthed, bottom-feeding scum sucker. The other is a fish

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.