A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause were going down the tracks.

The mother went nuts and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. She hears the little boy continue, For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

Man goes into a drugstore and up to a female pharmacist. Can I help you?
Yes, answered the man. What can you give me for a priapism? How about
$500 in cash and part ownership of a drugstore?

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourettes Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/hes not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out Screw this! and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyones done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling Im here, the phantom of the opera until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say you dont really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructors requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.

36. Come in wearing a full knights outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise youre not just failing, youre getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,

chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say it helps me think. Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Dont forget to use the phrase Told you so.

50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! Ive got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that Im a dog. Its crazy. I dont know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "Im not allowed up on the furniture."

Q: Why is a passionate kiss like a spider?

A: Both can lead to the undoing of the fly.

A guy walks into a doctors office and says, Doc, I have a problem. First I think Im a teepee, then I think Im a wigwam. Then a teepee, then a wigwam. And so on and so on. Whats wrong with me?

The doctor replies, Your problem is that youre two tents.

(two tents, too tense)

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didnt even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

Doctor, she said, I have a very bad gas problem.

A gas problem? replied the doctor.

Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh…silent gas emissions.

Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!

Doctor, youve got to help me! What can we do?

Well, said the doctor, I think the first thing were going to do is give you a hearing test!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Imogen!
Imogen who?
Imogen life without chocolate!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Haiti!
Haiti who?
Haiti see a good thing go to waste!

Why do blondes drive BMWs?

Because they can spell it.