THE BRITISH BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

An 80 year old couple decide they want kids again. They visit the doctor who suggests, since they are a little older than usual, some tests might be in order.

He hands the couple a small jar and asks them to go next door and for the gentleman to fill it so they can test his sperm count.

A few minutes later the couple returns and hands back the jar. The doctor exclaims, But its still empty!

The main replies, I know. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with both hands, and I still couldnt do it.

Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left hand, and with both hands. She tried with her teeth in and her teeth out, and we still couldnt get the lid off that jar!

Un abogado muere y se va a las puertas del cielo. Ahí se encuentra con que la fila de gente que espera para ver si va a entrar es inmensa y que en la punta está San Pedro atendiendo. Ya estaba decidido a esperar una eternidad en semejante cola cuando ve que el propio San Pedro en persona se le acerca y tomándolo del brazo delicadamente lo lleva hasta un sillón muy cómodo que está cerca del comienzo de la cola y le dice que no se impaciente que en seguida lo va a atender… El tipo, asombrado por tal trato preferencial le pregunta:

¡Oiga, San Pedro! ¿Cómo es que me atienden con tanto esmero?

Lo que pasa es que estuve inspeccionando los talonarios con que facturaba las cuentas a sus clientes, y por la suma de las horas trabajadas veo que debe tener unos doscientos cincuenta años…

Estaremos siempre al lado del gobierno… porque si vamos adelante nos coge, y si vamos detrás nos caga.

En Argentina tenemos los mejores legisladores… que el dinero pueda comprar.

Basta ya de realidades, queremos promesas.

La patria dejará de ser colonia o moriremos todos perfumados.

El país estaba al borde del abismo y con Duhalde hemos dado un paso adelante.

La deuda que le estoy dejando al país no es externa, es eterna. Menem.

Las inundaciones no se producen porque los ríos crecen, sino porque el país se hunde.

Algunos nacen con suerte, otros en Argentina.

Prohibido robar, el gobierno no admite competencia.

Las putas al poder, porque con los hijos, no nos fue bien

Este gobierno es como un bikini, nadie sabe como se sostiene pero todos quieren que se caiga.

No se tome la vida tan seriamente: Igualmente no va a salir vivo de ella.

Argentina es una granja cerrada por falta de huevos

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?

A: Artificial Intelligence!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like youre holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

21. If your social life consists of a date with the library

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. What am I doing? he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. Its been a long day, this is the end of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go. The guy thinks for a second and says, Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back! Have a nice weekend, said the officer.

Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

Do I look like a people person?

This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Im trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.