A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion.
After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally
finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.

Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone,
and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a
cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of
pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and he pounded the
lump flat, so it could not be seen.

He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found
his cigarettes in the glove compartment.

Just then his cellular telephone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was
the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just
called them in a terrible panic.

It seems their sons favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen
the hamster while he was in the house?

One particular Christmas season, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but everything seemed to be going wrong. Four of his elves got sick and had to be replace with trainee elves, which slowed down the production line — so Santa was beginning to feel pressured and behind schedule early on. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to spend the holidays with them again, and that stressed out Santa even more.
It only got worse when he began to prepare for his trip. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them was about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where, which meant that more elves had to be pulled off the toy line to go find them. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards came loose and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering toys everywhere. He picked them up and then spent ten minutes looking around the shop for the right size nail for the damn board, and of course he whacked himself on the thumb while pounding it into the board.
Deeply frustrated at this point, Santa figured hed better have a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey before heading out. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drank all the liquor, whihc made Santa so angry that he slammed the coffee pot down on the table — and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mhis mother-in-law had taken it somehwere.
Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa went to answer it, cursing yet another interruption. He opened the door and there was a little angel with golden ringlets and a sparkly robe carrying a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isnt it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isnt it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?” Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic Depressive, it doesnt matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mothers and grandmothers maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try you call again later.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

If you could kill someone by tipping it over on them, it might be a
mainframe.

If the only mouse it has is the one living inside it, it might be a
mainframe.

If you need earth-moving equipment to relocate it, it might be a
mainframe.
If youve ever lost an oscilloscope inside of it, it might be a
mainframe.

If its big enough to be used as an apartment, it might be a
mainframe.

If it has ever had a card-punch designed for it, it might be a
mainframe.

If it weighs more than an RV, it might be a mainframe.

If lights in the neighborhood dim when its powered up, it might be a
mainframe.

If it arrived in its own moving van, it might be a mainframe.

If its disk platters are big enough to cook pizzas on, it might be a
mainframe.

If Michael Jordan would need his entire annual salary to buy one, it
might be a mainframe.

If keeping all of the manuals together creates a fire hazard, it might
be a mainframe.

If its so large that a dropped pen will slowly orbit it, it might be a
mainframe.

If its ever been mistaken for a refrigerator, (or if the disk drive
has ever been mistaken for a washing machine), it might be a
mainframe.

If anyone has ever frozen to death in the room where its kept, it
might be a mainframe.

If it has a power supply thats bigger than your car, it might be a
mainframe.

If it has its own postal code, it might be a mainframe.

If the operators considered the addition of COBOL to be an upgrade, it
might be a mainframe.

If it was designed before you were born, it might be a mainframe.

If its main power cable is thicker than your neck, it might be a
mainframe.

If the designers have since died from old age, it might be a
mainframe.

Who Says Theres No Such Thing As a Stupid Question?

These are questions that people actually asked of Park
Rangers around the country, proving once again that there
is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121)

Grand Canyon National Park
————————————-
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom —
where is it?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park
——————————-
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two oclock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)
———————————-
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park
———————————
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas — their own made-up
religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park
——————————————
How much of the cave is underground?
So whats in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park
——————————-
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President
Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park
———————————
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where
are the exits?

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computers involvement in other computers affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

A piece of balogna walked into a bar, he asks for a drink. The bartender replies, We dont serve food here.

Two solicitors came to a sticky end and were slowly making their way up to Heavan. On their way up the great staircase that leads to the Pearly Gates one turned to the other and said, Look, Piers, I dont care how rare it is for a solicitor to make it up here, if there are any barristers in there, Im not going in. Especially silks. Im sick of them all..

Agreed, Tarquin, replied the other, Im with you all the way on that. Id rather suffer an eternity in hell than talk to another Q.C.

And so it was that they reached the gate, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host were judged worthy to enter.

One moment, St. Peter, said Piers as the gates swung wide, just one thing – Were sick of Barristers – are there any inside? Because if there are, the deals off…

Certainly not! Cried St. Pete, Youre quite safe – no barristers in here..

Thus reassured, the two pressed on. They were finding heaven very enjoyable until all of a sudden an ancient looking chap with a long beard, wearing a barristers gown and wig pushed past them, a bundle of papers under one arm and a battered copy of the Weekly reports under the other.. Enfuriated they stormed back to St. Peter. Oi – St. Peter! cried Piers, already drafting his pleadings in his head, You said there were no barristers here..

There arent, stammered St. Peter Well whos the silk in with the long beard, then?

demanded the outraged lawyer.

Oh, Said St. Peter, realisation dawning, Thats not a barrister! Thats God. He just thinks hes a barrister..

Un tipo sale de la cárcel donde ha pasado veinte años y, claro, lo primero que hace es recurrir a los servicios de una prostituta. Cuando acaban, ella le dice:

Oye, ¿tú acabas de salir de la cárcel, verdad?

Pues sí, ¿cómo lo has sabido?, ¿porque te di por detrás?

Eso me hizo sospechar, y lo confirmé cuando terminaste y, mecánicamente, dijiste: Ahora te toca a ti.

10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?



8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.



7. Youre amazed to find out spam is a food.



6. You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.



5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.



4. You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.



3. At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.



2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, I feel so colon-right parentheses!



And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:



1. Two Words: Pizzas Here!