Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. My floppy drive wont work, can you help me ? she asked.

I told her Id take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5 floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

Oh, you mean the condom!, she said.

Condom???, I asked.

Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses.

By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The condom turned out to be a standard 3.5 plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldnt do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):

Does that mean I dont have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. Father, I am sinful.

Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.

Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, its been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.

Thats bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.

Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.

Thats not very good of you.

Father, last month, I went to her uncles house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too. Father? ……… Father? suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. Father? Where are you? He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

Father, why are you hiding here?

Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.

A man dies and goes to heaven.

As hes standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out.

Hes dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, Who was that?

St. Peter answered Thats just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.

A Jew, a Greek and an Irishman were killed in a car accident.

When they got to heaven, being young men, they asked Saint Peter if there was any way for them to come back to earth.

Saint Peter thought for a minute and then said, Well, if you each promise to give up one particular thing, Ill grant your request.
All jumped at the chance. The Jew had to agree to never touch any money, the Irishman had to agree to never touch even a drop of alcohol and the Greek had to agree to never touch another man.

Later, the three of them are walking together down the street when they came to a bar.

The Irishman begins shaking all over. Oh boy, could I use a drink, he says.

The other two try to talk him out of it but he goes into the bar anyway.

He returns with a beer and takes a sip. Suddenly, poof, he disappears.

The Jew and the Greek continue walking. At the next block the Jew spots a 5c piece on the footpath.

He begins shaking and unable to resist, he bends down to pick up the coin.

Suddenly, poof, the Greek disappears.

Está Pepito en la escuela y la maestra le pregunta:

Pepito: ¿Dónde está la casa de Dios?

Pepito le responde: En el baño, maestra…

¿Por qué en el baño?

Porque mi papa veo que dice a la puerta del baño: Dios mío, ¿todavía sigues ahí?

Un borracho le grita a su mujer:

¡Mi amor, tu mamá se cayó del segundo piso!

¡Cómo! ¿Cuándo fue?

¡Hace como dos horas!

¡Y ahora me vienes a decir, borracho estupido!

¡Es que no podía hablar de la risa!

The night before Y2K

Twas the night before Y2K,

And all through the nation

We awaited The Bug,

The Millennium sensation.



The chips were replaced

In computers with care,

In hopes that ol Buggy

Wouldnt stop there.



While some folks could think

They were snug in their beds

Others had visions

Of dread in their heads.



And Ma with her PC,

And I with my Mac

Had just logged on the Net

And kicked back with a snack.



When over the server,

There arose such a clatter

I called Mister Gates

To see what was the matter.



But he was away,

So I flew like a flash

Off to my bank

To withdraw all my cash.



When what with my wandering eyes

Should I see?

My good old Mac

Looked sick to me.



The hack of all hackers

Was looking so smug,

I knew that it must be

The Y2K Bug!



His image downloaded

In no time at all,

He whistled and shouted,

Let all systems fall!



Go Intel! Go Gateway!

Now HP! Big Blue!

Everything Compaq,

And Pentium too!



All processors big,

All processors small,

Crash away! Crash away!

Crash away all!



All the controls

That planes need for their flights

All microwaves, trains

And all traffic lights.



As I drew in my breath

And was turning around,

Out through the modem,

He came with a bound.



He was covered with fur,

And slung on his back

Was a sackful of virus,

Set for attack.



His eyes-how they twinkled!

His dimples-how merry!

As midnight approached, though

Things soon became scary.



He had a broad little face

And a round little belly,

And his sack filled with virus

Quivered like jelly.



He was chubby and plump,

Perpetually grinning,

And I laughed when I saw him

Though my hard drive stopped spinning.



A wink of his eye,

And a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know

A new feeling of dread.



He spoke not a word,

But went straight to his work,

He changed all the clocks,

Then turned with a jerk.



With a twitch of his nose,

And a quick little wink,

All things electronic

Soon went on the blink.



He zoomed from my system,

To the next folks on line,

He caused such a disruption,

Could this be a sign?



Then I heard him exclaim,

With a loud, hearty cry,

Happy Y2K to all,

Kiss your PCs good-bye!

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

No, his friend said, its named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia.



Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?



A check.

She screamed her hand off.

Dont be so open-minded — your brains will fall out.