Whats the difference between Bill Clinton & J.F.K?

One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine & the other got assasinated.

Plane: How do you fly so fast?

Rocket: Youll know when your ass is on fire!

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week:

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 oclock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr … about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I cant say that.

Presenter: Theres a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room – much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) Weve got Brian on the other line, say hi

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, were going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I cant say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesnt matter. Ive already told Them.

Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: Thats close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I cant say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.

Presenter: Theres a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, Ive already told them so it doesnt matter anyway … just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh … alright … Up the arse!

Radio Silence

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Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, were going live here, and sometimes these things happen. Weve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now well take a music break.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

Were sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife.

Well, tell me! the man said.

The policeman said, We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said, Im sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wifes body in the San Francisco Bay.

Oh my god! said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.

Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, So whats the good news?

Well, said the cop, when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

If thats the good news, then whats the great news!?! he asked.

And the cop replied…

Were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.

The first woman said, My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.

The second woman proclaimed, My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that.

The third woman replied, Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good its going to be when I get it.

Life of a Senior Citizen…

Im the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

Im very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

Im usually interested in going home before I get to where Im going.

Im good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

Im awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

Im smiling all the time because I cant hear a word you are saying.

Im aware that other peoples grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

Im so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .

Im not grouchy, I just dont like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

Im sure everything I cant find is in a secure place.

Im wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and thats just my left leg.

Im realizing that aging is not for sissies.

Im anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

Im going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!

Im sure they are making adults much younger these days.

Im in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CDs, IRAs, AARP. . .

Im wondering . . If youre only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

Im supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

Im a walking storeroom of facts . . .Ive just lost the storeroom.

The invitation

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyones done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking it the monkey is running wild.

The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did?

No. What did that stupid shit do this time?, says the patron.

Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole, says the bartender.

Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because hes been driving me nuts, says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.

He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now?, he asks.

What now?, responds the patron.

Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it, says the barkeeper.

Well, what did you expect?, replied the patron. Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!

One day a daughter went to her father and asked for a prom dress. The father said, if you give me a blowjob I will bye you the prettiest dress in the store! She said your gross dad and went on her way. Two weeks before the prom she again asked her father for the dress, he replied you know what to do, if you give me a blowjob, you will get the dress! She again replied your sick dad and went on her way. Three days before the prom she again asked her dad for the dress, he again said you know what to do to get the dress except this time she agreed! After she got through giving him a blowjob she said damn dad, your dick taste like shit! He said I know, your brother needed to barrow the car!