Archive for May, 2019

Se encuentra una pareja de

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Se encuentra una pareja de ancianos que tenían 40 años de casados y la ancianita se encuentra en las últimas. La viejita dice: Viejito, siento que me voy. Abre el cajón del ropero y saca la cajita que tengo ahí.

El viejito abre el cajón y saca la cajita, la abre y encuentra tres huevos y cien mil pesos. El viejito le pregunta: Qué significa esto. A lo cual la viejita responde: Mira viejito, cada vez que teníamos relaciones insatisfactorias colocaba un huevo en la cajita.

El viejito, asombrado, piensa: Tres huevos, signigica sexo insatisfactorio tres veces en cuarenta años: soy todo un garañón. Entonces, le pregunta a la viejita: ¿Y los cien mil pesos?

Contesta la viejita: ¡Ay viejito, es que cada vez que juntaba una docena la vendía!

Un tipo es detenido por

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un tipo es detenido por un oficial de caminos cuando conducía hacia su casa en compañía de su esposa.

¿Cuál es el problema oficial?

Manejaba a 120 en una zona de 80.

No señor, iba a 85.

No es cierto Luis, ibas a 110, dice la esposa.

El tipo le echa una mirada de advertencia a su mujer.

También lo voy a multar por traer una de las luces descompuesta, le advierte el oficial.

¿Luz? ¿Cuál luz? No tenía idea de eso.

No te hagas Luis, esa luz está descompuesta desde hace más de 6 semanas, objeta su mujer.

Esta vez le echa una mirada equivalente a 17 cachetadas.

También lo multaré por no usar el cinturón de seguridad.

Pero si me lo quité en el momento que me detuvo.

Por favor, Luis, si tú nunca lo utilizas.

Esta vez Luis no soporta y le da un buen grito a su mujer: ¡Cierra el pico!

Señora, ¿su esposo le habla así normalmente?

No, sólo cuando está tomado.

A Manolo le encantaba la

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

A Manolo le encantaba la pesca en hielo, por lo que un día decide hacerlo después de mucho tiempo.

En cuanto llegó al lugar, se instaló cómodamente y abrió un hoyo en el hielo; después y procedió a introducir el cordel del hilo de pesca. Tras uno cuantos minutos de espera, decidió cambiarse de lugar. Al haber pasado cerca de media hora en espera de peces, se escucho una voz que decía:

Allí no hay peces.

Ignorando esto, Manolo continuó pescando. Un rato después, se escuchó nuevamente aquella voz:

He dicho que allí no hay peces.

Desconcertado, el tontilandés suelta:

¿Acaso será Dios quien me habla?

¡No, imbécil, sólo soy el encargado de esta pista de hielo!, responde la voz.

Tight Skirt

Poza publicata in [ Blonde ]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldnt! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.



About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him How dare you touch my body!! I dont even know who you are!



At this the Texan drawled Well maam normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.

Knock Knock Whos there? Anthony! Anthony who! Anthony you

Poza publicata in [ Knock-knock ]

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Anthony!
Anthony who!
Anthony you want!

Arnie and jackson

Poza publicata in [ Celebrity ]

Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in an airplane. There are lots of kids on the plane with them.

Suddenly an engine catches fire. The plane is going to crash. Realising this, Arnie and Michael grab the only two parachutes on the plane.



What about the kids? asks Michael



F**k the kids Arnie replies



Michael thinks for a moment and says



Do you think we have time?

Clinton and a lightbulb

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Zero. He only screws interns.

Top 10 Reasons to Live in Manitoba

Poza publicata in [ Ethnic ]

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like Flin Flon and Winnipeg
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You dont need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still friendly even when you cut someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by

Gynecologist Painter (adult)

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didnt have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?

He said, Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But Ill be damned if that gynecologist didnt stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!

Stand up nuts!

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well

behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of

the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director

said: If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let

them in? The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director

shouted: Stand up, nuts! Everyone stood up. Sit down, nuts!

Everyone sat down. Look behind you, nuts! Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third

inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running

helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had

called out: Peanuts!