Archive for July, 2019


27
Jul

A great cup of tea

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it only makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick in bed with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she even showed up with a surprise cup of tea.

Why, youre such a sweetheart, the mother said as she drank the tea. I didnt know you even knew how to make tea.

Oh, yes, the little girl replied. I learned by watching you. I put the tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the water, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldnt find a strainer, so I used the fly swatter instead.

You what? the mother screamed.

And the little girl said, Oh, dont worry, Mom, I didnt use the new flyswatter. I used the old one.

When kids try their hardest and they get it all wrong in spite of themselves, whats a parent to do? What mothers and fathers often do is prevent their children from carrying any responsibility that could result in a mess or a mistake. Its just easier to do everything for them than to clean up afterward. But I urge parents not to fall into that trap.

Your child needs his mistakes. Thats how he learns. So go along with the game every now and then … even if the tea you drink tastes a little strange.

— Dr. James Dobson

Child psychologist

27
Jul

Antigo coffee

While traveling through Antigo, Wisconsin, our family stopped in a local restaurant for a brief respite while driving. My father ordered 2 cups of coffee for himself and my mother. My mother, after tasting the coffee, looked at my father and they each grimaced at each other. Looking around, my father noticed a sign above the back corner which said, Dont knock our coffee, you may be old and weak yourself sometime.

27
Jul

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Thats not funny!!!

27
Jul

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big ole coon. The one what hangs round over yonder, backah Bubbas barn…"

27
Jul

Corn Flakes

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One boy is sitting down, having a bowl of Corn Flakes, the other is frantically looking for an item for show-and-tell. I know I put it here somewhere he says. He then remembers that he put it in the kitchen for safe keeping the night before. He dashes for the kitchen and stops at his brother, still eating his cereal. Hey, you found my scab collection.

27
Jul

How a puppy is better than a man

1.Puppies wont ask you if its the best puppy youve ever had. 2.A puppy always comes to you when you call it. 3.If you show affection for a puppy, it returns it with no strings attached. 4.All you need to do for a puppy to love you forever is feed it and not beat it with heavy blunt objects. 5.Puppies love you unconditionally. 6.Its OK if your PUPPY gets fleas from another puppy. 7.You can put a puppy on a leash and snap it back if it tries to sniff other puppies. 8.Your puppy will never leave you for your roommate, best friend, or someone with bigger breasts/more money/better looks/a better body/etc. 9.Puppies urinating in the front lawn is normal. 10.Puppies dont bite the hand that feeds them. 11.Puppies are easier to train to do simple tasks. 12.A puppy never conspires with other puppies to play with your mind.13.Puppies never leave en masse to check out puppies in the other room. 14.A puppy wont give you a lot of backtalk for no apparent reason. 15.You can train your puppy to do tricks–like play dead all day. 16.If you have a neighbor you dont like, you wont be as embarassed if your PUPPY poops all over his lawn. 17.Puppies dont even pretend to know how to fix whatever they break.18.Puppies wont get jealous of all of your male friends. 19.Neutering your boyfriend, as practical as it may seem, is harder to justify. 20.A PUPPYs face in the toilet bowl is less alarming. 21.Puppies dont leave the toilet seat up. 22.Puppies dont have to show other puppies that its the puppy of its house. 23.Puppies attract men; boyfriends drive them away. 24.Puppies dont do dishes, but at least they attempt to lick their own plate clean. 25.Puppies wont ask Why dont you look like THAT? when watching TV. 26.Puppies actually look attractive with a full body of hair. 27.Puppies dont mind staying home with the kids. 28.Because puppies cant read m

27
Jul

Bragging Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.

The second cant stand to be bested. Why thats nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And Im still here today.

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

27
Jul

Leading the Blind

Speaking of elephants…

Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity to
experience an elephant for the first time. The first approached the
elephant and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, Ah, an
elephant is like a tree. The second, after exploring the trunk, said,
No, an elephant is like a strong hose. The third, grasping the tail,
said, Fool! An elephant is like a rope! The fourth, playing with an ear,
stated, No, more like a fan. And the fifth, leaning against the animals
side, said, An elephant is like a wall. The five then began to argue
loudly about who had the more accurate perception of the elephant.

The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and stomped
on all of the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing
but bloody lumps of flesh. Walking away, the elephant said, It just goes
to show that you cant depend on first impressions. When I first saw them
I didnt think theyd be any fun at all.

–Unexpurgated form of old Indian
proverb

Paul_FRI_Floriani@cup.portal.com

27
Jul

Got Milk?

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?

The blonde said, I want 15 gallons. Im going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.

The milkman replied, Oh, OK. Pasteurized?

The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said…

No. Just up to my boobs.

27
Jul

The Top Internet Hoaxes

The DOTCam – Live webcast of your local Department of Transportation guys actually working for the first time.
You, too, can become a Top5 contributor! Just take this little test!
Mother and daughter to both lose their virginity on the Internet.
Rosie ODonnell adopts kids to steal their kidneys — for dinner!
Defiant Consumers Rip the Tags off of Mattresses, LIVE on the Internet!
Discovery of Adolph Hitlers long-lost Netscape bookmarks
The V2K bug. Every morning, another friggin Viagra joke on your monitor.
Our First A-Bomb / http://www.abomb.india.gov
TWA Flight 800 was shot down by Richard Gere in order to stop the AOL4FREE virus from killing Craig Shergold.
www.ourfirstherpes.com
Raised as a strict vegan, 26 year old Harvey Sunshine Reynolds will enjoy his first taste of thick-sliced bacon, on July 31 at http://www.the-other-white-meat.com
The Drudge Report
Al Sharpton and Jesse Helms to hold an online debate which will be dominated by intelligence and logic.

and Top5s Number 1 Other Internet Hoax………

The Church of Scientology refund website