Archive for September, 2019

Proof of nonexistent chair

Poza publicata in [ Science ]

An eccentric physics professor is well known throughout campus for having strange tests which often border on the philosophical.

An ill-prepared student goes in for his final exam with this professor, racking his brain to keep all his formulas straight. He sits down, and the professor walks in to start the exam. Grinning, he sets a chair on his desk and writes the exams only question on the board: Prove that this chair does not exist. The student groans and drops his pencil, realizing that he hasnt any clue how to solve this problem. Deciding that if hes going to fail, hell do so with style, the student writes two words on his paper, turns it in, and gets the highest grade in the class.

His essay read simply, What chair?

Bargaining

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Santa Singh came to New Delhi and wanted to do shopping at Janpath. His delhiite friend told him that the prices are usually hiked up and he should bargain for half the price.
Santa Singh went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs.
Santa Singh asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give the stereo for Rs.1800 for which Santa Singh told no,no only Rs.900.
Vendor said ok, i will give it for 1500 Rs and our Santa Singh bargained for Rs.750.

It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation and thinking that this stupid Sardar is not going to buy anything. He is just wasting my time. He said he will give the stereo for free.
Santa asked whether he will give two.
Vendor now realising that the sardar is out to have some fun and really not interested in buying anything. Vendor agreed.
Santa said now he wants to have the whole shop.

The meeting

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasnt really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didnt exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonalds.

To be factual, we didnt actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely … well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasnt fondling me … well, really, I wasnt so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line.

Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasnt really her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though!

And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact exactly. She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened lil bird look in her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place.

I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down that Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes stalking though. I mean, come on, give me a break here.

But anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here, I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120 days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess.

Arkansas Scholars

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Dont laugh too hard – one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

Why Legs?

Poza publicata in [ Blonde ]

Q: Why do blondes have legs?

A1: So they dont get stuck to the ground.

A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.

A3: So they dont leave trails, like little snails.

Getting a divorce

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

Oh, sweetie, she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, isnt there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?

Taking her by the shoulders, the lawyer proceeded to scold her for her lack of discretion and good judgment. Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms – is that really what you want for us?

No … no … she sobbed, heartsick.

Oh, said the lawyer, Well, it was just a suggestion.

Lawyers appeal

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

Lawyer: Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.

Judge: And what is the nature of the new evidence?

Lawyer: Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.

Fart Glossary

Poza publicata in [ Tasteless ]

ART FART= its such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts dont stink.

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You cant control the blow out.

BEER FARTS= These come out of every can and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART= You cant hear it, you cant see it, and you cant smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When youre home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as gas.

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper PIG!

U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a Unidentified Foul Odor.

Llega el marido todo loco

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Llega el marido todo loco a su casa y le dice a su mujer:

¡Chata, hoy lo vamos a hacer al estilo australiano!

La mujer, sorprendida, le pregunta:

¡Coño! ¿Y cómo es eso?

¡Pues que mientras yo me tiro a la canguro, te vas dando saltos a casa de tu madre!

Eran un argentino, un peruano

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Eran un argentino, un peruano y un chileno que discutían sobre quien tenía la mejor fábrica.

El argentino dijo: Yo tengo una fabrica de hacer servilletas.

Y el peruano le respondió: Eso me lo meto por el poto.

Luego el peruano dijo: Yo tengo una fábrica de confort, y el argentino dijo eso yo también me lo meto por el poto.

Después el chileno dijo: Yo tengo una fábrica de hacer alambre de púa, a ver si se lo meten por el poto.