Old and New Jokes

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.

Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!

Oh Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior.

Her voice dropped.

It helps her constipation, you know.

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!

Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said NO STRINGS ALLOWED.

Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.

The bartender said Cant your read? and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.

The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.

The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.

Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.

Say, asked the bartender suspiciously, arent you the string I just threw out of here?

Fraid not, replied the string.

Dos solteronas tenían una farmacia heredada del padre. Un día entra un hombre y pide un condón. Una de las mujeres le saca uno talla 42.

No, es pequeño, aclara el hombre.

Le saca uno talla 44.

No, creo que todavía es pequeño.

Saca y saca, y la última talla que le queda es un 50, pero el tipo insiste que no, que es pequeño.

Entonces, la mujer, dirigiéndose al interior del local, grita:

Hermenegilda, el señor necesita un condón talla 52 y ya no nos quedan, ¿qué le ofrezco?

¡Casa y comida y la mitad de la farmacia!, exclama Hermenegilda desde el interior.

Un borracho iba con su esposa a su casa a las tres de la mañana.

La esposa le dijo: ¡Cuidado, Manuel, una curva cerrada.

Y el borracho contesta: ¿Y qué creías que a las tres de la mañana iba a estar abierta?

Teacher: Where do white babies go when they die?
Student: Heaven.
Teacher: What do they get?
Studetn: Wings.
Teacher: What do they call them?
Student: Angels.
Teacher: Where do black babies go when they die?
Student: Heaven.
Teacher: What do they get?
Student: Wings.
Teacher: What do they call them?
Student: Bats.

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.



So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying hed be back if they didnt close their business. Terrified, they did so – thereby proving that:



Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

an english man was on top of the rainbow with a pain of glass in front of him and a pot of gold on the end of the rainbow. the only way to get to the gold was to someway get over the glass.


he ran into the glass but smacked his head and passed out.


an leprichorn seeing this wished he could fly so he could get over the glass to the gold. doing this he flew into a bird and was knocked down.

seeing this a jewish rabbi sang a rendicion of somewhere over the rainbow which broke the glass and he got to the gold.

21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MENS ROOM!

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Cant piss if someones watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998

13 Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported.

12 Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.

11 We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.

10 Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.

9 Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!

8 In Thursdays edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message…

7 This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater.

6 Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.

5 It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant.

4 Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.

3 Our article describing O.J. Simpson as slashing out over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…

2 As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.

and Top5s Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in

1998…

1 Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, How Gullible Are We?