19
Sep
Men never do evil so cheerfully and so completely as when they do so from
religious conviction.
— Blaise Pascal
Archive for September, 2019
19
Sep
Lived here all your life? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Not yet.
19
Sep
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, thats Mozarts Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "Theres the Eighth Symphony, and its backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "Theres the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, theres nothing to worry about. Its just Mozart decomposing."
19
Sep
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?
I sure did, responded his friend. He cant swim.
19
Sep
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lickm, stickem, and sendem on their way.
19
Sep
An eccentric physics professor is well known throughout campus for having strange tests which often border on the philosophical.
An ill-prepared student goes in for his final exam with this professor, racking his brain to keep all his formulas straight. He sits down, and the professor walks in to start the exam. Grinning, he sets a chair on his desk and writes the exams only question on the board: Prove that this chair does not exist. The student groans and drops his pencil, realizing that he hasnt any clue how to solve this problem. Deciding that if hes going to fail, hell do so with style, the student writes two words on his paper, turns it in, and gets the highest grade in the class.
His essay read simply, What chair?
19
Sep
I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasnt really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didnt exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonalds.
To be factual, we didnt actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely … well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasnt fondling me … well, really, I wasnt so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line.
Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasnt really her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though!
And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact exactly. She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened lil bird look in her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place.
I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down that Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes stalking though. I mean, come on, give me a break here.
But anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here, I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120 days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess.
19
Sep
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Dont laugh too hard – one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
19
Sep
Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they dont get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they dont leave trails, like little snails.