Old and New Jokes

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

Oh, sweetie, she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, isnt there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?

Taking her by the shoulders, the lawyer proceeded to scold her for her lack of discretion and good judgment. Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms – is that really what you want for us?

No … no … she sobbed, heartsick.

Oh, said the lawyer, Well, it was just a suggestion.

Lawyer: Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.

Judge: And what is the nature of the new evidence?

Lawyer: Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.

ART FART= its such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts dont stink.

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You cant control the blow out.

BEER FARTS= These come out of every can and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART= You cant hear it, you cant see it, and you cant smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When youre home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as gas.

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper PIG!

U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a Unidentified Foul Odor.

Llega el marido todo loco a su casa y le dice a su mujer:

¡Chata, hoy lo vamos a hacer al estilo australiano!

La mujer, sorprendida, le pregunta:

¡Coño! ¿Y cómo es eso?

¡Pues que mientras yo me tiro a la canguro, te vas dando saltos a casa de tu madre!

Eran un argentino, un peruano y un chileno que discutían sobre quien tenía la mejor fábrica.

El argentino dijo: Yo tengo una fabrica de hacer servilletas.

Y el peruano le respondió: Eso me lo meto por el poto.

Luego el peruano dijo: Yo tengo una fábrica de confort, y el argentino dijo eso yo también me lo meto por el poto.

Después el chileno dijo: Yo tengo una fábrica de hacer alambre de púa, a ver si se lo meten por el poto.

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?

Thats your father.



Then whos that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.



The Russian begins thinking, Well I really like drinking vodka. Finally the Russian says, I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.



The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and its clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.



The Russian yells to his wife, Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.



She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.



The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.



Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.



She gets the glass but asks him Boris, why do we only need one glass? Boris raises the glass and says, Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lee!
Lee who?
Leed on McDuff!

The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when youre up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attackers father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam. (Ask Mr. Hurst about a similar experience!)

In an otherwise vacant locker toom, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when its your turn.