Old and New Jokes

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"Theyre all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, thats easy," she said. "I just call David, and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, David, come eat your dinner," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, thats easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with
slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties

Surface usually covered with painted film.
Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties

Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses

Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when its too hot.

Tests

Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution

Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when
handling.
Illegal to possess more than one.

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her

on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While hes in there, the husband tells his wife, Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasnt seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, hell kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you.

To which the wife responds, He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too.

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?

Yes, the professor ansvered. When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.

Well, said the gatekeeper. That is a very minor sin. You may enter.

Thank you very much, Saint Peter, the professor ansvered.

Im am not Saint Peter, said the gatekeeper. He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says You cant bring that dog in here! The guy, without missing a beat, says This is my seeing-eye dog. Oh man, the bartender says, Im sorry, here, the first ones on me. The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says You cant bring that dog in here unless you tell him its a seeing-eye dog. The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says Hey, you cant bring that dog in here!

The second man replies This is my seeing-eye dog. The bartender says, No, I dont think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs. The man pauses for a half-second and replies What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?

The deadline is one week after the original deadline.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the
first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out GREEN SIDE UP!.

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled GREEN SIDE UP!.

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled GREEN SIDE UP!.

The lady then asked him, Why do you keep yelling green side up?.

Im sorry, came the reply. But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

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