Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Boss, to four of his employees: Im really sorry, but Im going to have to let one of you go.Black Employee: Im a protected minority.Female Employee: And Im a woman.Oldest Employee: Fire me, buster, and Ill hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast itll make your head spin….To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:I think I might be gay…

Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheens character on The West Wing.His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is That Bob Vila guy.Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, The state or the DC thingie?At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, You wanna wrestle?!?Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, I win!On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a Lifeline.

You might be a redneck if…
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball…"

Q: How can you tell if the drummers platform is level? A: Drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, and nurturing
social deal and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they
– with amazing calm –
call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet
under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitz en’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the
chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and
repaint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon
monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas
tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-deg

(On Late Night on 6/6/89.)

Dave has one of his more respectable guests on the show, a Connecticut
lady (didnt catch the name) who caters weddings and other social
events, and has written books on the subject.

She poses a question for Dave, that apparently someone has written her:

Suppose have have set up a huge party in honor of someone. You
have set up a band, a large outdoor tent, and a complete spread of
hors doeuvres, etc. Hundreds of invitations have been sent out.

Then, the night before the event, the guest of honor dies. What would
you do?

Dave replied, Make sure he had adequate ventilation.

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, thats a really fancy watch.”
“Thanks, says the guy, “Its the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and itll answer me, telepathically.”
“Rubbish, youre having me on,” says the girl.
“No, its true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, Ill prove it. Ill ask it if youve got any panties on.” The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you havent got any panties on.”
“Well, its wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”
”Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “its an hour fast!”

One day President Clinton was on an airplane with a Jew and a Russian. The plane started dropping. President Clinton took a bomb and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Jew took a bottle of wine and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Russian took the Jew and threw him out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.