Old and New Jokes

There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the real world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.

As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend out on the
town in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.

Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could
hear their confessions that morning, to which the priest replied, Certainly
sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and Ill hear your
confessions one at a time.

The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual,
and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas…

Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I
had a wonderful time. I also touched a mans penis with my left hand.

The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and
said to the nun…

Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be
forgiven.

With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered…

Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol,
I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time.
Also, I touched a mans penis with my right hand.

The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told
the nun…

Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall
be forgiven.

The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the
confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting,
wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the
process. The priest shouted at them to stop, saying…

In Heavens name, stop this, you are sisters! There is no need to
fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please
stop this!

One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with
one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said…

Listen Father,… If you think Im gonna gargle with that Holy
Water, after shes sat in it, youve got another damn think coming!

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and Ill show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!

A man was complaining to his coworker about a terrible headache he was experiencing. The coworker said, When I have a bad headache, I just lay my head on my girlfriends bosom for a while, and it goes away. You really should try it.
The next day, the man with the headache said to his coworker, You know, your advice about how to get rid of my headache was great! After work last night, I did just exactly what you said, and my headache disappeared after just a little while! Oh, by the way, your girlfriend has a really nice apartment!

A man pulls up to a gas station on a very hot day and the young attendant just happened to glance in the backseat, where he sees two penguins. He says, “Sir, it is so hot outside. Those two penguins belong at the zoo!”“Yes, you are right,” the man said. “Thank you.”The next day, the guy comes to buy more gas and the penguins are standing up on the back seat wearing sunglasses. The young guy says, “Man, you said that you were taking them to the zoo.”“Well, yes, I took them and they liked it so much that today we are going to the beach.”

Maternity leave would last two years…with full pay.
Thered be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health
problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent
effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet
trained.
They wouldnt think twins were quite so cute.
Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
Theyd have to stop saying, Im afraid Ill drop him.
There would be drive-through abortions.
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
Theyd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as
entrees.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A: Write Please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper.

One day a young boy finds a condom on the floor. He brings is to his father and asks, What is it?

His father replies, Oh, thats a twinkie son, if you find anymore bring them to me and Ill give you a quarter.

The next week the little boy returned to his mothers house with a lot of quarters.

His mother asks, Where did you get all those quarters?

The little boy answered, Daddy gave them to me for finding twinkies for him, but what he doesnt know is, before I gave them to him, I sucked all the cream filling out.

1. The technician who signs out your camera cant stop laughing
2. Your cold makes your voice sound like Jerry Lewis
3. The friggin things warped
4. The second after your batteries stop charging, theyre completely dead
5. Your B-roll has poppy seeds [bah-dum]
6. Everyone you interview insists on speaking in pig-latin
7. Your editing room is titled Hell
8. The footage is 32 hours of feet
9. Title: Mailboxes, Big and Small
10. We had a video project due?!

[Im perfectly willing to explain anything you found confusing. I tried to stay away from techie terms, but I do write these lists for my *own* amusement… :)]

How do you stop a blonde tank? Shoot the people pushing it!

A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy persons door and when the owner of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. Im collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and Im wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldnt want to make a little contribution.

The homeowner replies, The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.

Are you sure?, asks the Meshulach.

Sir, Im positive, replies the homeowner.

But, says the meshulach, It says here that youre Jewish, and my records are never wrong.

I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish, replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.

Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you sure you arent Jewish? demands the Meshulach.

For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasnt Jewish either!