Old and New Jokes

Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The younguns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if hed come and Id shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallets big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!

Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back.
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off – in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder – I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santas big bag.

I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin
A whopping belt buckle – a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.

When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said Looks like you kids wont be getting no shit.
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, Maybe youll get some presents next year!

One day a woman who was about 65 years old wanted to get a tatoo. She went to the nearest tatoo parlor and told the man the she wanted one tatoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and one of Evander Holyfield on the other. The man said to the woman that he wasnt sure if he could do that, but he would try. So the woman said ok and went to the back with the man. It was a long process. When it was finally finished the woman lifted up her skirt and asked the man, Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?

Not really, said the man, But it looks ok.

The woman was very pleased and walked out of the tatoo parlor. When she walked out she asked a younger man if the tatoos on her thighs loked like Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield. The man replied with a yeah sort of. Next the woman saw and older man. She went up to him and lifted up her skirt and asked him, Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?

The man said, No, but the one in the middle looks like Don King.

Dos borrachos regresan de una fiesta cuando sienten unas ganas irresistibles de orinar. Al pasar frente a un edificio en etapa final de construcción, le solicitan permiso al vigilante, quien le explica donde está ubicado el baño: Sigan este pasillo, al final crucen a la derecha, bajan DOS ESCALONES y justo allí esta el baño.

Los borrachos siguen las instrucciones, pero se equivocan y cruzan a la izquierda, donde se encuentran con el hueco destinado para el ascensor. Irremediablemente los borrachos caen al vacío estrepitosamente.

Después de un buen rato, uno de los borrachos, maltrecho por el golpazo, reacciona y le dice al otro: Como la ve compadre, ¿nos orinamos aquí o le echamos bola al otro escalón?

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, I cant believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!



The magistrate looked at him and replied, And you must be whats passing through.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. Please DO NOT to try these techniques at home.

Why not? asked somebody from the audience.



I watched my wifes routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Honey, why dont you try carrying several things at once?



Did it save time? the person in the audience asked.



Actually, yes, replied the expert. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.

One day Buddy and Ruddy come upon a genie. The genie says, You EACH get three wishes. So Buddy wishes, I wish for all the beautiful women in the state. The genie grants that. Then Ruddy says, I wish for a million dollars. The genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, I want all the beautiful women in the COUNTRY. The genie grants that. Then Ruddy wishes, I would like a Harley Davidson motorcycle. So the genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, I wish for all the women in th WORLD! The genie hesitates and grants that. Then Ruddy wishes, I wish that Buddy was a woman.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thaddeus!
Thaddeus who?
To be or not to be, thaddeus the question!

God didnt create the world in seven days; he screwed around for
six days and pulled an all-nighter.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An air bag.

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada. At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.