Old Jokes | New Jokes

Three nuns were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.

Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.

Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.

She said, Of course not.

The younger nun asked Did it hurt?

The sister replied Of course! He never called and he never wrote.

I Dont Think Hell Win Any Popularity Contests …

… On Monday morning it was determined to arrest the Greaser, Joe Pizzanthia, and to see precisely how his record stood in the Territory … A party started for his cabin, which was built on a side-hill. The interior looked darker than usual from the bright glare of the surrounding snow. The smmons to come forth being disregarded, Smith Ball and George Copley entered, contrary to the advice of their comrades, and instantly recieved the fire of their concealed foe. Copley was shot through the breast. Smith Ball recieved a bullet in the hip. They both staggered out, each ejaculating, Im shot. Copley was led off by two friends, and died of his wound. Smith Ball recovered himself, and was able to empty his six shooter into the body of the assassin, when the latter was dragged forth.

The popular excitement rose nearly to madness. Copley was a much-esteemed citizen, and Smith Ball had many friends. It was the instant resolution of all present that the vengeance on the Greaser should be summary and complete.

A party whose military experience was still fresh in their memory made a rush, at the double-quick, for a mountain howitzer which lay dismounted, where it had been left by the train to which it was attached. Without waiting to place it on the carriage, it was brought by willing hands to within five rods of the windowless side of the cabin, and some old artillerists, placing it on a box, loaded it with shell, and laid it for the building. by one of those omissions so common during times of excitement, the fuse was left uncut, and, being torn out in its passage through the logs, the missile never exploded, but left a clean breach through the wall, making chips fly. A second shell was put into the gun, and this time the fuse was cut, but the range was so short that the explosion took place after it had traversed the house.

Thinking that Pizantha might have taken refuge in the chimney, the howitzer was pointed for it and sent a solid shot through it. Meanwhile the military judgement of the leader had been shown by the posting of some riflemen opposite the shot-hole, with instructions to maintain so rapid a fire upon it that the beleaguered inmate should not be able to use it as a crenelle through which to fire upon the assailants. No response being given to the cannon and small-arms, the attacking party began to think of storming the dwelling.

The leader called for voulunteers to follow him. Nevada cast in her lot first, and men from the crowd joined. The half dozen stormers moved steadily, under cover of the edge of the last building, and then dased at the house, across the open space. The door had fallen from the effects of the fusilade; but, peeping in, they could not see anything until a sharp eye noticed the Greasers boots protruding. Two lifted the door while Smith Ball drew his revolver and stood ready. The remainder seized the boots.

On lifting the door, Pizanthia was found lying flat and badly hurt. His revolver was beside him. He was quickly dragged out, Smith Ball paying him for the would he had recieved by emptying his revolver into him.

A clothes-line was taken down and fastened round his neck; the leader climbed a pole, and the rest holding up the body, he wound the rope round the top of the stick of timber, making a jamb hitch. While aloft, fastening all securely, the crowd blazed away upon the murderer swinging beneath his feet. At his request,Say, boys! Stop shooting a minute-the firing ceased, and he came down by the run. Over one hundred shots were discharged at the swaying corpse.

A friend-one of the four Bannack originals-touched the leaders arms and said, Come and see my bonfire. Walking down to the cabin, he found that it had been razed to the ground by the maddened people, and was then in a bright glow of flame. A proposition to burn the Mexican was recieved with a shout of exultation. The body was hauled down and thrown upon the pile, upon which it was burned to ashes so completely that not a trace of a bone could be seen when the fire burned out.

In the morning some women of ill-fame actually panned out the ashes, to see whether the desperado had any gold in his purse.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm. The man thought,Hey this is good. So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm. The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes. The bartender looks over at the man and says, Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.

A little boy on the way to school one day saw a drunk playing with himself in an alley. The boy asked what he was doing. The drunk said playing with my birdie, playing with my birdie He then passed out. When he came to he was in the hospital, in pain around his groin area. He asked the Dr what happened, the Dr brought in the little boy and told him to answer the man. The boy said after you went to sleep mister, I played with your birdie and he spit at me so I broke his neck, cracked his eggs and set his nest on fire

There was three girls a brown head, a red head, and a blonde head. They where going to go on a hike in the desert and the brown head said she would take some food if they got hungry, the red head said she would bring water if they got thirsty, and the blonde head said shed bring a car door……..so if they got hot she could roll down the window.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace.



The third Catholic woman says smugly, My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence.



The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.



The first three women give her this subtle Well…?



She replies, My son is a gorgeous, 62, hard-bodied stripper………… Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Oh my God….

it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes





when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends





she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order





she sold the car for gas money





she got stabbed in a shoot out





when asked on an application, Sex?, she marked, M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.





she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif





***yo mama so fat***





when she stood on the bathroom scale, it said to be continued…..





last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale





when she steps on a scale, it read one at a time, please





her nickname is DAMN





people jog around her for exercise





shes got her own area code





even Bill Gates couldnt pay for her liposuction





she has more chins then a hong kong phone book





***yo mama so nasty***





shes like a brick, rough around the edges and gets laid by mexicans every day





she has lobsters instead of crabs





***yo mama so ugly***





she joined an ugly contest, and they said, sorry, no professionals.





she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning





that if ugly were bricks shed have her own projects





she makes blind kids cry





she makes onions cry





***your mama so old***





her security code is 000-00-0001





when god said,let there be light, she flicked the switch.

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?

To keep his ankles warm.