People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: There are no fish in there.

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

How do you know there are no fish there? asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, youre going to have to pay for those holes.

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: Why dont you be a good Samaritan and take him home.

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunks wife greets them at the door: Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but wheres his wheel chair?

Dont believe in superstition — it brings bad luck.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

*You havent asked yet.
*I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
*What? And spoil my great sex life?
*Nobody would believe me in white.
*Because I just love hearing this question.
*Just lucky, I guess.
*It gives my mother something to live for.
*My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
*Im still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
*Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
*Im waiting until I get to be your age.
*It didnt seem worth a blood test.
*I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
*Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
*My co-op board doesnt allow spouses.
*Id have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
*They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
*I wouldnt want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
*I guess it just goes to prove that you cant trust those voodoo doll rituals.
*What? And lose all the money Ive invested in running personal ads?
*We really want to, but my lovers spouse just wont go for it.
*I dont want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
*Why arent you thin?
*Im married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

And, if all else fails: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, Youre next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Stan

Stan who?

Stan back or Ill be sick on your shoe!!!!

A mosquito cried out in pain:
A chemist has poisoned my brain!
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane

[paraDichloroDiphenylTrichloroethane is the the full name for DDT]

Q: How many Tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two to drink the keg of beer, and one to hold the bulb while the room spins!

there were these 3 nunes they got the weekend off.

Well they came back to the nune house and had to confess there sins.

The first nune said mother i need to confess my sins that i did this weeked and she said what was it- i kissed a guy your sin has been forgotten you may drink the holy water the 3rd one chucled a littel bit.

The 2nd nune came up and said mother I need to confess my sins and the mother nune said what did you do this weekend she said i wacthed a rated r movie. THe mother nune said your sin has been for gotten you may drink the holy water. THe 3rd one chuclked a liteel bit.

THEN IT WAS THE 3rd on to confess her sins and the mother nune said what kind of sin do you need to be forgotten about and the 3rd one said I PISSED IN THE HOLY WATER.

[Ed: This joke was placed in rot13 by the original poster.]

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows, Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you
(deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the
man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers, LOOSEN RANKS!

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick.
With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

Did that hurt, Mister? the Captain demands.

No, SIR! the recruit shouts.

Why not? barks the Captain.

Because Im a U.S. Marine, SIR!

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man
across the butt.

Did that hurt, Mister?

No, SIR!

Why not?

Because Im a U.S. Marine, SIR!

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the
men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the
proffered target.

Did that hurt, Mister?

No, SIR!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!