Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!

Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesnt even serve Happy Meals.

10. Lower corner of screen has the words Etch-a-sketch on it.

9. Its celebrity spokesman is that Hey Vern! guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friends car.

7. Its slogan is Pentium: redefining mathematics.

6. The quick reference manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, Aint it break time yet?

3. The manual contains only one sentence: Good Luck!

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. Youve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, I still cant tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.

So Harry yells down to the man, Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?

The man on the ground yells back, Youre in a balloon 100 feet up in the air.

George turns to Harry and says, that man is a lawyer.

How can you tell?, inquires Harry.

George answers, Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.

How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

Sure. Go right ahead, says the Almighty.

OK, Jim says, Why did you make women so pretty?

So you would like them, God replies.

All right then, Jim nods, but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?

So you would LOVE them, God replies.

Jim ponders a moment and then asks, But why did you make them such air heads?

God replies, So THEY would love YOU!

En una iglesia de Tontilandia, el sacerdote está oficiando la misa cuando, de pronto, comienza a sentirse un terremoto. El clérigo, asustado, los conmina:

,Hijos, hijos, recemos un padrenuestro.

Todos comienzan:

Padre nuestro…

Pero el temblor alcanza mayor intensidad, y el sacerdote vuelve a mandar:

Hijos, hijos, recemos un avemaría.

Los feligreses rezan:

Ave María…

Pero la intensidad del sismo arrecia, y las tablas del techo ceden y empiezan a caer. Angustiado, el párroco advierte:

Hijos, hijos, las tablas.

Asustados, los presentes comienzan:

1 x 1= 1; 1 x 2= 2…

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be jailed for contempt!