When he says: Im going fishing.

It really means: Im going to drink myself dangerously
stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety.

When he says: Lets take your car.

It really means: Mine is full of beer cans, burger
wrappers and completely out of gas.

When he says: Woman driver.

It really means: Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate,
swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.

When he says: I dont care what color you paint the kitchen.
It really means: As long
as its not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black,
turquoise or any other color besides white.

When he says: Its a guy thing.

It really means: There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical.

When he says: Can I help with dinner?

It really means: Why isnt it already on the table?

When he says: Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.

It really means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned
response.

When he says: It would take too long to explain.

It really means: I have no idea how it works.

When he says: Im getting more exercise lately.

It really means: The batteries in the remote are dead.

When he says: Good idea.

It really means: Itll never work. And Ill spend the rest
of the day gloating.

When he says: Have you lost weight?

It really means: Ive just spent our last $30 on a
cordless drill.

When he says: My wife doesnt understand me.

It really means: Shes heard all my
stories before, and is tired of them.

When he says: I got a lot done.

It really means: I found Waldo in almost every
picture.

When he says: Were going to be late.

It really means: Now I have a legitimate excuse
to drive like a maniac.

When he says: Hey, Ive read all the classics.

It really means: Ive been subscribing
to Playboy since 1972.

When he says: You cook just like my mother used to.

It really means: She used the
smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

When he says: I was listening to you. Its just that I have things on my mind.

It really means: I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.

When he says: Take a break, honey, youre working too hard.

It really means: I cant
hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

When he says: Thats interesting, dear.

It really means: Are you still talking?

When he says: Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love.

It really means: I forgot our anniversary again.

When he says: You expect too much of me.

It really means: You want me to stay awake.

When he says: Its a really good movie.

It really means: Its got guns, knives, fast
cars, and Heather Locklear.

When he says: Thats womens work.

It really means: Its difficult, dirty, and
thankless.

When he says: Will you marry me?

It really means: Both my roommates have moved out, I
cant find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.

When he says: Go ask your mother.

It really means: I am incapable of making a
decision.

When he says: You know how bad my memory is.

It really means: I remember the theme
song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the
Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot
your birthday.

When he says: I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.

It really means:
The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

When he says: Football is a mans game.

It really means: Women are generally too smart
to play it.

When he says: Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal.

It really means: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.

When he says: I do help around the house.

It really means: I once put a dirty towel in
the laundry basket.

When he says: Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing.

It really means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

When he says: I cant find it.

It really means: It didnt fall into my outstretched
hands, so Im completely clueless.

When he says: What did I do this time?

It really means: What did you catch me at?

When he says: What do you mean, you need new clothes?

It really means: You just bought
new clothes 3 years ago.

When he says: Shes one of those rabid feminists.

It really means: She refused to make my coffee.

When he says: But I hate to go shopping.

It really means: Because I always wind up
outside the dressing room holding your purse.

When he says: No, I left plenty of gas in the car.

It really means: You may actually
get it to start.

When he says: Im going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.

It really means: I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.

When he says: I heard you.

It really means: I havent the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

When he says: You know I could never love anyone else.

It really means: I am used to
the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

When he says: You look terrific.

It really means: Oh, God, please dont try on one
more outfit. Im starving.

When he says: I brought you a present.

It really means: It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.

When he says: I missed you.

It really means: I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper.

When he says: Im not lost. I know exactly where we are.

It really means: No one will ever see us alive again.

When he says: We share the housework.

It really means: I make the messes, she cleans
them up.

When he says: This relationship is getting too serious.

It really means: I like you
more than my truck.

When he says: I recycle.

It really means: We could pay the rent with the money from my
empties.

When he says: Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.

It really means: Oh,
man, what have you done to yourself?

When he says: It sure snowed last night.

It really means: I suppose youre going to
nag me about shoveling the walk now.

When he says: Its good beer.

It really means: It was on sale.

When he says: I dont need to read the instructions.

It really means: I am perfectly
capable of screwing it up without printed help.

When he says: Ill fix the garbage disposal later.

It really means: If I wait long
enough youll get frustrated and buy a new one.

When he says: I broke up with her.

It really means: She dumped me.

When he says: Ill take you to a fancy restaurant.

It really means: Someplace that
doesnt have a drive-thru window.