What doctors say, and what theyre really thinking:

This should be taken care of right away. Id planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

Welllllll, what have we here…? He has no idea and is hoping youll give him a clue.

Let me check your medical history. I want to see if youve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

Why dont we make another appointment later in the week. Im playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. –or– I need the bucks, so Im charging you for another office visit.

We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, Im going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, youre going to pay for it.

Lets see how it develops. Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

Let me schedule you for some tests. I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

Id like to have my associate look at you. Hes going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

Id like to prescribe a new drug. Im writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

If it doesnt clear up in a week, give me a call. I dont know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

Thats quite a nasty looking wound. I think Im going to throw up.

This may smart a little. Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

Well, were not feeling so well today, are we…? Im stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

This should fix you up. The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

Everything seems to be normal. Rats! I guess I cant buy that new beach condo after all.

Id like to run some more tests. I cant figure out whats wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves? Youre craziern an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink wholl split fees with me …

There is a lot of that going around. My God, thats the third one this week. Id better learn something about this.

If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment. Ive never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God Im off next week.