Worf: Captain, there are three Romulan warships
uncloaking dead ahead.
Picard: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
only a single pixel wide.]
Picard: Data, whats wrong here?
Data: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have
sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I
suggest that you select a lower resolution?
Picard: Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space
Invaders.]
Picard: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
Data: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over,
and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons
on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of
light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
Worf: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
Picard: Shields up!
Data: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still
attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait
until I have finished before you issue your next command.
Picard: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is
*important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
Data: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still
attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait
until I have finished before you issue your next command.
Laforge: Allow me, captain. [to Data]
Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
floor.]
Data: The Romulans are not responding to my hails.
Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to
close this communications channel which is not responding. You will
lose any information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Datas left ear.]
Picard: Shields…
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all
the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts
from Wesley Crushers station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away
from the console.]
Picard: Up, Data!
Data: Aye, sir.
Riker: All decks, damage report!
Worf: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He
appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the
hourglass back on the floor.]
Data: Shields are now up, captain.
Picard: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all
phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
Worf: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the
weapons console.]
Picard: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for
evasive action.
Data: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the
proper device driver installed for that console.
Picard: Well, damn it, install the right one.
Data: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
nostril.
Picard: Number One, where do we keep Datas setup
implants?
Riker: I left them with Geordi.
Laforge: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought
you still had them!
Picard: Data, dont you have device drivers stored
in your internal memory?
Data: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant
#1 in my right nostril.
Picard: Data, I dont *have* Setup Implant #1.
Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
Retry, Fail?
Picard: Abort!
Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
Retry, Fail?
Picard: Well, fail, then!
Data: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship
lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side
of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming
from somewhere else in the ship.]
Laforge: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
Picard: Number One, do we have a customer service
number for Data?
Riker: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call
them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to
anyone. And that person wasnt knowledgeable about androids of Datas
model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all
the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a
few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the
console, absolutely motionless.]
Picard: Whats going on?
Laforge: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant
Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine
core.
Picard: These androids look really sharp, but you
cant really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a
Ferengi, appears moments later.]
Ferengi: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest
you in a Macintosh ?