Dear Santa:

Ive been a good mom all year. Ive fed, cleaned and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctors office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughters girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my sons red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when Ill find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

Id like a pair of legs that dont ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that dont flap in the breeze but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. Id also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If youre hauling big ticket items this year Id like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesnt broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, Yes, Mommy to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who dont fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, Dont eat in the living room and Take your hands off your brother, because my voice seems to be just out of my childrens hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please dont forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colours and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the in-laws house seem just like mine. If its too late to find any of these products, Id settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you dont mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didnt look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you dont catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but dont eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always … Mom.

P.S. – One more thing … you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.