Actual Newspaper Headlines

• Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
• Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• House passes gas tax onto senate
• Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
• Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
• William Kelly was fed secretary
• Milk drinkers are turning to powder
• Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
• Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
• Farmer bill dies in house
• Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

• Queen Mary having bottom scraped
• Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
• Prostitutes appeal to Pope
• Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
• NJ judge to rule on nude beach
• Childs stool great for use in garden
• Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
• Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
• Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

• Eye drops off shelf
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Dealers will hear car talk at noon
• Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
• Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
• Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

• Never withhold herpes from loved one
• Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
• Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
• Autos killing 110 a day, lets resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

• If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while
• War dims hope for peace
• Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
• Cold wave linked to temperatures
• Childs death ruins couples holiday
• Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasnt seen in years
• Man is fatally slain
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
• Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation