Some fun rules

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont need him again.

10. I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I dont suffer from stress. Im a carrier.

15. Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody elses weirdo.

And,

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.